Bersih. Can make her 200% happy.
Everything. House. Car. Toilet. Fan. Bed. Clothes. Food. Things.
Friday, August 19, 2011
He walks onto the bus, already filled with people bustling in their seats, trying to be comfortable. He takes a look at his ticket, identifies his seat number and finds his seat. He places his bag under the seat, leans back and takes a deep breath. Closing his eyes, tired, and nervous. He patiently waits for the conductor to check passenger tickets.
He takes out his ticket from his shirt pocket and passes it to the conductor. After a few minutes, the conductor was done and the bus gets ready to leave. He looks out the rain soaked window, as the cold mist descends on the concrete jungle of tinted glasses and billboards and logos and ads. He focuses on one particular building. Faded white with a hint of yellowish white, indicating the building is already a few years old.
Slowly he watches the scenic view of the now moving world. Changing bit by bit. As concrete began to look green, the sky clearer, realizing that the changes he was seeing meant that he was getting closer.
Tired, he falls asleep, and dreams of the the warm touch on his chest, the warm breath on his face, the soft breathing of the muse, the lady in flowers, the lady in bright colors, the sundress. He wakes up as the bus rattled strongly from braking. He is dazed, between sleeping and being awake, between the warm touch of the flower lady, and the cold air conditioning in the bus. After a few minutes, he falls asleep again, smiling, and she comes to him, in his dreams. And she tells him all the tales in the world, she tells him stories of love and hate, war and peace, heart and mind, body and soul, and then she kisses him. Blowing sweet nothings into his ears. Telling him, convincing him, of everything.
He wakes up to the sound of bus driver shouting, trying to wake passengers up. A bit annoyed he moves his body sideways, and covers his ears, not wanting to listen to the noise, wanting to go to dreamland and be sung.
So he stays, in that middle ground between there and here. Where he wants her to be but she isnt. So he waits, with only the feel of the warmth of her hand on his cheek. And that is enough for now,to make him sleep.
He wakes up, takes a look at his watch and looks outside. The pitch black dark night outside illuminated by the odd light pole. He recognizes the surroundings. As he walked to the bus driver wanting to be let down to the side of the road. And as he walks down the bus, he walks towards the house. Slowly, nervously, eagerly, wanting to see the girl of his dreams.
Monday, August 15, 2011
cukupkanlah kami dengan nikmatMu, agar kami tidak meminta selain dariMu,
berilah kami syurga, tunjukkan kami jalan ke sana,
ampunkanlah kami, kami berdosa,
jauhkanlah kami dari bahaya, bala, tipu daya khianat manusia.
ceriakanlah cinta ini, biar sampai syurga.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
There were little jumps to her steps, as she skipped towards her husband after realizing she had been left behind. A few minutes before her eyes were glued to the item on display in the window of a shop in the enormously vacant shopping mall we had been circling the last two hour. Her eyes round and sure-shot at the thing, amazed, unsure, uncertain, unknowingly. As she turned to her husband wanting to ask for clarification, she turn terrified realizing he wasnt there, and then relieved as she saw him a few paces away.
There were little jumps to her steps as she skipped towards her husband after realizing she had been left behind. She grabbed his large arms and rested her cheeks gently on his arms. Smiling. And he, well he was just relishing the moment.
"What were you looking at?"
"That thing in the window....." her voice trailing uninterested with the conversation.
Interested only in the moment she is in. Sheer bliss. Her husband breath aloud, realizing the typicality of the situation. It was often that her thirst for an explanation were to be satisfied, and his well, left to be figured out like little puzzles. Which was fine with him. He loved puzzles. The little guesses and signals that most people miss, well he uses them like little pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Making the big picture clear to him way before anyone even has a clue. The husband, the big giant, walked slowly, not wanting to pace that extra step his wife might not be able to catch up to. She was in La-la land. It was him and it was always him. And now she had him entirely.
"Lunch?" he said smiling
"Awak nak makan aper?" she said
"Ntah, makan aper pun takper kot."
"Jom pegi maner?"
"Makanlah, tadi kata nak makan."
"Yer lah tapi nak makan aper."
"Ntah, makan aper pun takper kot."
The husband face frowned as she repeated his exact words. She smiled almost laughing.
As they sat at the 1901 hotdog vendor she began telling him stories from work. On and on and on she went as he from time to time asked question to figure out more. As she was finished with her story, like always, she would ask:-
"paham tak, paham tak?"
Always, like he had a hard time understanding her. He laughed at the idea. She was treating him like he was 6 and he was fine with that. Her face frowned as she repeated:-
"Awak paham tak ni?"
"Yer paham sayang... adoiyai."
She smiled. Satisfied she got her husband to listen. After lunch they walked towards the cinema to catch their third movie of the day. Yes, third. Thats not a typo, it was their third movie of the day.
As she stood at the confection stand, he slid his hand to his mobile phone, 16 missed calls, he pressed on it to see the numbers that had call him, mostly unknown numbers, and some of his friends and his brother. He ignored it and turned of his phone, he has very little time with his wife and he wasnt going to spend it answering the phone.
They walked into the cinema, and as usual, without fail, somehow the husband turns into a, well for lack of better terms "kaunter pertanyaan".
Thus began the barrage of questions.
"why macam tu?"
"Kenapa orang baik tu buat macam tu? ke dia orang jahat?"
"Lepas ni apa jadi ek?" <---- her favorite question.
"Eeii kenapa the face like that?" frowning
On and on she went as he held her tight, answered every question while occasionally saying to her:-
"Saya rasa kita start tengok movie ni sama-sama kot, kalau awak taktau, saya pun taktau kot."
"Yer lah tapi awak kan pandai teka, awak selalu teka betul." She said insisting she was right.
When the movie ends. They walk towards the car as she stops to pay the parking ticket, and walks to car to pick her up. In the car, there was silence or the occasional "follow up questions" to the movie. Such as:-
"Tak paham la citer tu, kenapa pulak hero dia kena mati?"
"Why color kena pelik pelik macam tu, takleh bagi colorful ke?"
while he answered ranging from the literary details of the story to answers like:-
"Memang lah movie director tu memang macam awak suka benda colorful so citer hantu pun jadi colorful jugak." he said laughing.
As they got home. She changes, he changes. She has the long bath, he does his prayers, sit on his bed and picks up a comic book. As she changes and prays and cuddles right under his armpit.
"Eiii tak busuk ke?"
"Busuk, tapi saya suka hehehe."
He laughs, puts down the comic book and turns off the light. He turns to his wife, kisses her on the forehead and says:-
"I love you budak kecik"
she blinks a few times and says:-
"Does that mean i have to call you budak besar?"
"Hehe I love you too."
Then, with a deep breath, he falls asleep. Tomorrow though, he will be 300km away. And everything will seem like a dream. Sometimes though, he thinks to himself, he prefers it that way, so it will always remain perfect, like a dream.
Monday, July 25, 2011
There are no stars in the skies of Kuala Lumpur. Only empty promises and false hope. They shine because they assume the role of the silent predator. Tempting its victims with lights and colours, drowns them with absinthe the drink that hinders your ability to operate properly, and then snaps you into two. Kills you before you even know youre hurting. Drowned in the pool parties, and the alcohol and the bikinis and the dances and the music. Oh the music.
The music, beat over beat over beat of the same thing. Designed so you can lose yourself, hinder your emotions and tempt to you into letting the drums dictate the beat your heart. And when that happens, your heart, that feels, goes out of control. You think youre losing yourself to the music. But youre not, youre losing your heart.
And then you love, with a broken heart, unfit and unsure of the definition of love. Uncertain of its realness. Then you let go.
There are no stars in Kuala Lumpur, its a place with too many dead and dying hearts. Broken into a million pieces that it becomes difficult to fix. There are no stars in the sky of Kuala Lumpur, with the shattered pieces all around, its impossible to see, whether anyone can be free, truely and completely free.
There are no stars in sky of Kuala Lumpur, only pieces of broken hearts, and dying emotions, lowered inhibitions and bad decisions. There are no stars in the sky of Kuala Lumpur, yang ada cuma hati yang telah luka, ditinggalkan cinta, tapi memori yang kekal nyata. Tiada bintang di langit Kuala Lumpur, kerana bintangnya, telah diganti dengan hati yang samada telah mati, atau terluka. How dark the sky of Kuala Lumpur.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I sat on the solid rock finally, sweaty and breathing hard. I lit a cigarette and opened the the can of drink I brought with me. I sitting at the end of a formation of rocks stretching out into the ocean which stopped half way as if the rocks were scared of being submerged. The warm wind caressed my face, touching me gently, as if singing a lullaby for me to sleep. I leaned back, rested my elbows on other rocks behind me. Looking out at the ocean. Clear, beautiful, so far ahead of me that in the horizon i saw the sky and the ocean finally becoming one.
It had been 3 weeks now since I quit my job, and came to work here. This shabby-old-family-run chalet with 4 rooms. It appealed to me. It wasnt what I have come to be familiar with. Corporate greed has a tendency to overlook homeliness. I took another sip from my drink. From the corner of my eye, I realized someone was walking towards me. I turned left to get a better view. Then I saw him. Tall, esteemed, proud, Hamdan. I smiled as I saw him walk towards me. Hand in his pocket, sandals, black spectacles, long cargo pants and white collared shirt. I smiled again this time ironically. It was funny for me to look at Hamdan, the corporate boss, conforming to the cliche of how a tourist on vacation was supposed to look.
He sat beside me as I turned my attention back to the sea.
"You're a difficult person to find..." he said with his voice trailing.
"You were supposed to give up.." I replied and sipped my drink.
"You werent THAT difficult to find.." he said pulling out a box of cigarettes from his pocket.
The waves crashed gently on the rocks in front of us, just enough to cool the warm rocks but not strong enough to get us. I gazed ahead, focused on the horizon.
"How long do you plan to stay here?" He finally asked.
"What makes you think I have a plan?"
"If you dont, we might need someone to take over your job for awhile."
"I quit remember? Im sure they already have someone else working on it."
"We've had some who have tried, none have done it as well as you have."
I remained quiet. The silence was scary. My head flashed back to the moment when it all happened. The phone call, the rushing to the 23rd floor. The gasping look on my bosses face. Hamdan beside me head held high, but you could see it in his face, his ego had been scratched. The screaming, paper thrown in our faces. We had lost, information was leaked and before we could start with damage control, we were to be reprimanded. From the corner of my eye, I saw the highlighted figures that wrote "ESTIMATED LOST 1.2Billion"
Thus began the longest 4 months of our lives. Me and Hamdan. Everyday working to control the damage which had been done. Slowly gaining public support again and finally after 4 months of longer than usual office hours, sleeping in the office, eating take out food, having a pair of clean clothes in the office for tomorrow, heads resting on piles and piles of reports after report after report. We succeeded. We had regained the trust of the company. Not only were we able to avoid the 1.2 Billion lost, we had actually generated half a million in profit. After that, we both came here.
This very same place we are sitting at now. Only at that time, once we got back to the office, Hamdan was promoted and I rejected my promotion and quit my job.
"I never thought, of all the places, youd come here." He said after awhile
"It was fun the last time we were here."
"Yeah but we never worked here before."
"Haha its even more fun when you do you know." I said to him laughing out loud.
He laughed with me and then stopped.
"You're really not coming back?"
"Nope" I quipped with a smile.
"Not yet at least..." I suddenly said as my smile faded.
"Youre wasting your time here Huzir... I dont mean to demean what youre doing but youre wasting your life. Do you know how many people would give their right arm to do what we do? How many people would die to have your abilities? And youre wasting it all on this?" His voice firm with disappointment.
I let the question sink in as i thought of an answer.
"You have the gift of process. Where others see objective you see the way to get there. The best way to get there. But here.... youre going nowhere." he said, disgust was evident in his voice.
"Whats bothering you Hamdan?" I finally said, he remained quiet.
"Is it the fact that Im throwing all my life away, or is there something else?" Hamdan looked in the other direction, turning his face away from my view.
"Some people spend their whole lives being able to live their lives in a way that theyre not truly happy. Its not because they want to, they just lack the courage to take a chance to be happy. Family, friendship, competition, its been so much a part of our lives, that we're afraid of what might happen if we lost all of it. If you lost all of it."
His face remained static, in silence he cried, tears streaming down his face, trying hard to suppress the sounds.
"I think you know as much as I do.... that we belong here..."
I looked at the horizon again, as I saw from the corner of my eye Hamdan wiping the tears of my face. As the sun began sinking into the water, putting the fire out, I stood up and walked with Hamdan back to the chalet. Thats when I realize he was gonna stay, and this was the beginning of something new.