Friday, November 27, 2009

Mama

"You have to talk about it, it's wrong to shoulder everything all to yourself, its wrong and its selfish... you gotta let me help..."

"Help? Theres no helping anything, you think we're gonna talk about it and hug and everything is gonna be alright? This pain... this hole inside me... its killing me and i know i cant change anything, and that is the one thing that hurts the most, the fact that i could only stand there, do nothing, as i saw her breath her last gasp of air, nothing i can do about it. This image in my head, of weakness of unfairness, of me..... it hurts like hell...."

"....................."

"Now tell me, what can you possibly say to make me feel better?"


Im not okay. I dont think I'll ever be okay. It angered me early after it happened when people ask me "Are you okay?" I always answered "Im coping" or "Ill be okay." But no one seems to realize those answers means "Im not okay."

When someone dies..... Saying their name becomes weird... Everytime i say the word mama... I feel this pain... jolting my heart with a thousand needles in a split second.... Im not okay..... I dont wanna talk about it.... I do however.... wish she was here.... I dont have regrets... i always loved my mother, treated her like a queen..... i love every lost teeth.... lost toes.... thinning grey hair... her tendency to use tears as a weapon of guilt.... everything... I miss everything....

My mom used to ask for something i was eating after she was sure it was finish. Teaching me that it is always polite to ask if anyone once a taste. She taught me the great taste of yogurt!

I wanted to write something perfect..... but i cant.... my mother was not perfect.... she... like the trailing dots in this post.... she was imperfect.... but she gave me character.... personality... a voice....

Everyday i go to work, i smile, i laugh, i joke, and make everyone feel comfortable around me.... deep down.... Im not okay.... I miss mama..... how can i not miss mama...... when i dream... i dream of mama..... I miss mama.... I used to text her all the time that i miss her... and she would call and she would confirm... "bangpi hantar msg rindu mama ke?"

Writing this hurts.... thats why i could never do it...this isnt perfect.... it can never be perfect... it will never be perfect.... my muse... my inspiration.... my strength is gone.... so how can i write anymore? Im not okay.... Trust me... im not okay.... I cant call her anymore.... i cant msg her... i cant be disappointed when she tells me she isnt cooking when i come home....

People tell me i have to let her go..... but i cant.... i want to... if it makes her happy... i want to... but i cant.... because it hurts too much....i still think about her.... i still think sometimes... that shes still there when i see something i think she would love if i bought one for her.... then a second later im reminded.... she isnt there anymore.... I wanna wake up from this nightmare...... because im not okay.....

I dont wanna write this anymore... too many tears have been shed.... this is where this ends.... I love you mama..... I hope you know that.... mama... i love you..... Im sorry for the bad writing....

I love you Mama
Halijah Ahmad
1951 - 2009
Mother, friend, Inspiration

8 comments:

AnEs said...

u captured the feeling perfectly..this is h0w i feel..my m0od is like night and day..in sec i'm ok, the next no one kn0ws h0w i felt.. be str0ng hanafee..am still trying..

Mira said...

yes, people do not understand when u say that "you're okay", it actually means "YOU ARE NOT OKAY"

be strong, for every live and death is beyond our control

youramoi said...

hang in there hanafee ...
doa lah untuk ibu you,
i'm sure she'll be happier =)

I ♥ British Accent said...

Omg!Your post is sooo touching,it actually makes me cry..=(

Bersabar k?I doakan moga your mum akan ditempatkan bersama orang2 yang beriman.Amin.

♥ Teacher Nonoi ♥ said...

InsyaAllah she's still can hear you whenever you missing her..
Dengan doa =)

Bila rindu je, doa untuk dia.. semoga tenang rohnya di sana.
Tiada yang lebih baik melainkan doa anak yang soleh kepada ibunya. InsyaAllah itu dapat buat dia tenang di sana. InsyaAllah.

Al-Fatihah.

Unknown said...

i love my mom too..

chill babe ;)

aire said...

dont u ever write like this anymore.. try reading it while u r back at home here in kulim all by urself.. how does it feels?

cik orenlili said...

Hanafee,

doalah yang terbaik untuk ibu anda disana. Insyallah, semoga rohnya bersemadi bersama orang-orang yang beriman.

Deep inside, I know how it feel.

Al-fatihah untuk ibunda kamu.


Regards.