Monday, June 16, 2008

Fathers day

My dad passed away when i was 12 and in the distinct chatters of the friends rivaled in my life i have come to realize that i do not miss my dad.

I dont, i just dont miss my dad. Yeah sure youre going to think "Apa punya anak lah..." but i dont i honestly do not miss my dad.

Why would i miss him? He was loud when he spoke but he spoke very little...

He was annoying, i mean who wouldnt think he was annoying, he was so passionate about certain things and when he did speak he spoke as if it was his whole life. Who miss that idealistic and dream world he had in his mind for his children?? It was so unrealistic how much he expected of us and how he expected us to be men of our own and not moulded by him. Why would i miss someone who gave me so much freedom to think and to be idealistic.

He was obnoxiously lousy at admitting his faults, when he did something wrong he would hide a smile as if he didnt do anything wrong, who would miss that? Oh and his obsession with catching his own fish, determined to prove that even in this new world and age we can still catch our dinner and lunch, so old fashioned.

Have i mentioned how competitive he was? Orwh he would never admit defeat. I remembered this one time playing carrom with him and how he would stick his finger on the hole so our chips wouldnt fall in... and how he always walked away from a chess game telling me "Abah Ada keja lah" just when he realized he was gonna lose. Why would i miss that?

Why would i miss the way he told me and my brothers how smart we are... it wasnt even true. i think he was just saying it to make us feel better... its not like we need his protection... why would i miss him being so overprotective.

He used to beat me you know... he used to beat me senseless with my brothers, so what if we did something dangerous he shouldnt have the right to dictate our lives... i dont miss his beatings just because he did it because he was worried we might get into trouble and put ourself in a dangerous position doesnt mean its the right thing to do. I dont miss him caring what i do.

He used to force me and my brothers to sing sepuluh budak hitam in the car to keep him awake, yeah of course we learned to appreciate the song because it tied my brothers and i to a similar past but hey why didnt he just sing it??? He had to force us to sing it.

He's annoyingly proud too, when he walked into the house, the house would feel like everything was going to be ok. Everyone in the house trusted him. Yeah so he deserved it but he didnt need to gloat. So what if we trusted him with everything we have and will ever have? So what if he always found a way to make us keep moving and be better and made sure there was always food on the table??? it was his job. So what if he was an amazing teacher, educator and friend?? So what?

Oh and have i told you how he is so proud of his intelligence? Yeah so you have a phd that doesnt impress me... Yeah i know we all ended up today wanting a phd but that doesnt mean its because of you... it could because of other things too.. so what if you wrote about the inequality of how teachers were treated? So what if you wrote about the failing education system that needs revamping.. so what if you wrote the Prime Ministers speech when he was in Sabah? that doesnt make you proud.

So what if you took the time after sahur to cuddle the family together in the living room and told us stories about magic lands and islamic importance?? So what if i fell asleep on your shoulders because i have learned to understand the warmth of that of a father and how you cared? So what? Just because you taught me how to be an intelligent young men who questions everything and learn everything doesnt mean i should miss you....

So what if i cried when you passed away? I had something in my eye... i wasnt really crying... I wasnt really crying.... i never cried.....

I dont miss you... I dont miss you... i really dont miss you.... why would i miss you.....

*crying* happy fathers day dad.... I dont miss you... but we all do..... Happy fathers day

Dr. Abdul Rahman bin Juman
(1944-1997)
Son, brother, father and the voice of reason.

from your sons
Irwan Abdul Rahman
Irman Abdul Rahman
Hanafee Abdul Rahman
Mohd. Khairery Abdul Rahman
(We Miss You)

p/s - i wrote this on the eve of fathers day..... im sorry i posted it late... no pictures... gambar abah semua kat umah

6 comments:

Summer said...

he was obviously a great father for his sons...

i cried reading this..and i think you missed him..you do miss him...

am not sure whether i'm gonna miss mine when he's gone.. i think i will...even the bad sides..i will..

i knew it's father's day..i just kept telling myself it's next week.. so i didnt have to wish.. perhaps i just need you here so we can wish him together..i'll pray for the time to come.

mAshe said...

huhu.. i nearly cried at the office too reading this.. it would be so embarassing.. al fatihah for your dad :)

Hanafee said...

Thanks Mashe... :) thank you so much

Mawar said...

Salam Hanafee
teruskan rindu itu, sebab dia pasti tahu!

arenis said...

Hanafee..
setiap ayat..setiap kenangan yang diungkapkan... terlalu mendalam..
awk pandai dalam membawa saya ke alam kanak2 awk bersama ayah awak.

Thank you for remind me to my father....

Hanafee said...

Awanis....

I didnt think people could read this post anymore... but thank you for such a wonderful comment... do come back and keep reading ya??? we're not that good of writers but sometimes we write well enough :) thanks ya!!!