Positivity

Some of us have always wanted to become doctors or engineers and are fulfilling a life-long dream, while others are just confused, trying to figure out how they got here in the first place.

Despite these differences, we share the hope that we've made the right decision and that things will somehow work out in the end.

We will work things out in the end. I can work things out in the end. =)

Short Story Part 1

I lay on the couch that was dusty an old. I remember it being in my family for centuries and it was good coming home to something familiar. I took out my phone and called her up.

"I just got home.." i said gently, she could sense the tiredness in my voice.
"I love you.." she said trailing that melancholic way it always does.
"I love you too..." intense yet a hint of tiredness in my words.

I placed the phone down on a livingroom table beside me and i lifted my right arm to cover my eyes as i thought about the drive and how close i got to meeting death. When i closed my eyes, the vision of the 3 tonne truck squeezing me against the road divider woke me up shaken. I opened my eyes and sat up and leaned against the couch. I searched my pocket and pulled out a cig and lit it on fire and huffed. My hands shaking, i was shaken yet i wasnt scared. Then my phone rang. i picked it up thinking "Its like 4 oclock in the morning, who could be calling at this hour?"

"Hello..." a familiar voice that shook me, similar to how the 3 tonne truck shook me....
"Hey..."
"I heard you were back in town, i thought i'd give you a call, your brother said you just got home."
"yeah barely half an hour ago." I said with a little indication that i was in no mood to continue the conversation.
"What can i help you with?" I asked sounding like a bell-boy in hotel.
"I was just wondering if you're happy thats all."
"I'm doing fine for the moment, but things will get better." I said
"How is she?" a question that somehow invoked anger.
"She's great." I said again sounded uninterested in the conversation.
Then hell broke lose as she uttered her next words.

"Do you love her?"

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All my life i have spent it trying to find something in my life that does make sense. Between all the praises on how my brain works like a rubber band (bent and yet strong) and how im a born leader, i have never ever seem to find how it all added up in my life. How did my parents convince themselves that i was their smartest son? How did they convince my brothers? Because i dont think they convinced me. I dont think im the smartest of all four. I dont think im even smart. For me all of those things were absurd. Their level of confidence was absurd. The idea was absurd. I can never be as intelligent or as capable as my father or my second older brother, it is like a fact of life. Similar to how lions kill weaker animals for food. I was the food, my father and my older brother were the lions.

The only thing that made sense to me was being in love with her, she made things so easy and i loved her for everything she has done for me.

........................................................................................................................................................................

"I dont think thats an appropriate question for you to be asking me." i said coldly.
"I want you back." she said quivering, shivering as if she was cold.
"I dont want to go back."
"I need you..."
"You needed the idea of me."
"No i needed you, i have always needed you and only you..."
"No..... you liked that idea of an amazing capable male A student. The prospect, the genius of the academic world, the capable leader, the amazing poet, the hopeless romantic... but never me... you never even knew me... what i wanted... what i needed... i was there to fulfill your needs, and you were there to ask for more and give nothing..." Angered my voice raised a bit.
"I love you, no one can ever love you like i do... no one ever will..."

I lit up another cig and huffed the dirty smoked air out of my lungs looking up, refusing to get into another debate about emotion.

"Look, i left because you wanted me to, now, whether you like or not, whether you need me or not, im no longer yours. And i need you to accept that...."
"She cant love you like i did and i do you know..." she said trying to convince me.
"You dont know her, dont talk about her as if she's your best friend or something." Anger
"She just cant, shes too busy getting all the things she wants, she'll never realize what she has.."
"You dont know that..." for once i feared if there were truth in her words.
"I do, i know it well, i was like her.."
"shes not like you, you dont know, I KNOW!" i raised my voice slightly higher.
"You'll lose her and me...and youll regret it..."
"There are some mistakes... i would gladly make.." I said cynically.

A moment of awkward silence before she continued.

"I cant live without you.."
"You'll be fine... i gotta go... its been a long drive and im just tired..."
"You're not going to think about it?"
"No..."
"Ok then... remember i still love you... good night..."
"Good night..." I hung up.

I stared out the glass doors concealing my living room from the world. I huffed more smoke into the air.....

And i should light a fire upon the blood soaked moon....
So i can sleep better and well and wake up....
my end is coming later maybe soon....
yet ill leave it to fate to listen up.....
and then i shall light a fire upon the fangs that fall short....
So i need not see that star....
so it shall not tear this throat of mine...
even if it does....
ill choose the fangs that chooses to do so....

-the end-

p/s - i thought about writing this story when i was driving back to my hometown a few days ago heheh i just added some drama and a climax and try to write it as beautifully as possible... Summer/sayang this is not about us ok???? hehehe i love you....

Jalan-jalan Campus

pada suatu petang

seorang budak perempuan yang bernama jijie

telah mengajak

6 orang rakan-rakannya
pergi berjalan-jalan

di dalam kampus kesayangan mereka

maka tepat jam 6.30 petang

berjalan lah 7 orang gadis itu

yang bernama

jijie, sab, inda, moon, tasya, liya dan juga shuwa

mereka tidak hanya berjalan

malah bergambar

gaya itu

gaya ini

sungguh asyik

tidak mempedulikan

orang-orang yg lain

yang sibuk berlari-lari anak

lihatlah gambar di atas

itulah hasil

gambar-gambar molek kami

hasil tangan moon

sekian.

hehe.

p/s: ada kesalahan tatabahasa kah?

An Empty Chair

This is basically rants I have because i have not been able to sleep. Just felt like writing something nice for people to read. Something Nostalgic. Something..... literary significant....

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As i open the window to the vast empty life that fills the tables in front of me, i have come to realize that maybe my life has not been that wonderful. I might have been acknowledge and duly attended to and yet there is a feeling of a destiny unfulfilled. A job not done. A word not said. A life not begun. I have no idea actually how to go through life. I even sometimes wish i had hunches on how to go through life, but i don't. The reality of it is this. I am scared of what life has in-store for me. i am afraid of looking down the road behind me and realizing that in the past few years i have lost my self. I am scared of losing my passion. The passion i have grown inconsiderably fond of. The passion that makes my heart pound in a million beats just thinking or talking about it. My passion for good, uncensored by culture, significant, untimingly beautiful writing. A string of words attached together to create chains of sentences which feeds the soul, clams the mind and questions convention. The passion to look at every day of life as a day that started as a surprise. i dare not question what life has lined up for me, for i am afraid life forgot about my passion.

When i talk about what i love most, writing, i am also questioned to the idea of losing that love for words. That gazing amazement towards literature, that quip of laugh at a smart line and an awe for the amazingly patriotic, passionate, true lines written then spoken. The structurally sound format of writing a speech that breaks boundaries and questions and defies conformity and mindless obedience. That rebellious flair for disobedience and self worth. The truth.

Words are not spoken, they are read. And reading them aloud is just a form of hellish repetition and yet reading, understanding and a little bit of imagination... is what i like to call... magic.

The gift in life for me is my love for words. My love for the beautifully written, the ugly truth, the luxurious and vast quantities of unneeded words in order to exaggerate what is beautiful into godliness. The pink in a flower petal, the gold in the sun, the blue in the sky... simplest joy of words that has touched and made the imagination of millions in the world soar like eagles.

I am afraid of losing that i am in love with. I am afraid of losing my passion of the wonderfully written. And i am afraid that one day i might lose the passion of not only to read and understand, but also i am afraid of one day losing my ability to write as beautifully as i want. "Do not restrict me, let my words be beautiful because my life is not" Thoreau.

Then do not restrict me, let me write what i want, how i see fit. Let me gaze upon the inevitable truth and string the words of my life into sentences to tell the story of a lifetime. Let me sink the world in a sea of words so beautiful that god gazes upon it just a minute longer. Let my writing stop time and death so when in the future when men will still adore literature, they will adore what i have written and find me....immortal....

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p/s - i wrote this just because i was writing down what i was feeling in my head... yeah i do that sometime.. i feel it and i write it down... you might not understand it... but i just wanted to write something.... well... something beautiful... enjoy..

Humanity

A Utopia is a term used to define a perfect government. Perfect as it makes everyone happy and that no one has anything to complain about. Idealistic and unrealistic as it may already seem to most, early American writers such as Paine has made these ideas as the fundamental to the development of their society. This is a speech i want someone to listen to. The things i would say if i was given a chance to give a speech about us as a nation.

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Today we are a country that has succeeded in demanding for respect from the global community. There have been times when we have been provoked by political and economical injustice and it is in those times we choose to stand our ground and tie ourselves closer together to get through a problem. The Problem of inflation that our country had went through during the 1997-1999 period were one of our most challenging times and we slowly yet surely created history as a country that was not bounded by the grips of debt to the IMF. The pride we held in our hearts as we refused help shed the people of Malaysia as people who self-respect. Today we are faced with a far larger and more dangerous enemy. Ourselves.

Today we are faced with the problems that our society has no longer the capacity in which it dictates every governmental affairs to regards of faith and belief. Rather we focus on the economics of a country. What message are we sending our children if we tell them the highlight of our country is that we were named "Third Most Economically Productive Country of The Year" when a man died in a river and all we can conclude from it is that he drowned. Commodification and Objectification are two of the most influential ideas in Communism. And today we see just that in our society. We no longer look to the skies when we are in need for guidance but rather we look into our pockets to see whether we have enough money to pay our problems away. We no longer look to the best in mankind but rather tell ourselves that people are not to be trusted. We no longer look to god for guidance but rather we look to those in power and with money. And what is even worse we created that image of ourselves when we were overcoming ideas of success.

today our idea of success is not a happy family but rather a rich family. Our idea of a happy man is not that he has the respect of his family but rather how much money he can give to his sons and daughters. today we look at a man poor and in trouble as being one who did not try hard enough in school instead of maybe establishing that he just never had the opportunity to go to school.

"The problem with mankind is that it cannot survive when man are animal-like..."

Today our biggest problem is that we have lost faith in humanity. We have lost faith in friends and we have lost faith in families. We have been open to the idea of unfaithfulness that we fear it might happening to us. So we do it before it is put upon us. We make thieves by not giving people a chance in life and then we punish them for doing so. we treat each other like dirt and then we punish them for treating us like dirt. Their is no more honor.

My dad once said to me though that "in order to live a life or honor, you need to put aside the bad placed upon you and think about the good you can do for others...."

My dad was intelligent but i have to say the essence of his advice here was simply sometimes unbearable. Be patient when people treat you like crap, but never ever do unto others what you think is inappropriate. My dad lived a life of betrayal. betrayed by his colleagues and friends and co-workers and yet the advice he gave my brothers and i is that we should believe in the best of humanity. I dont know whether to put him as an idealistic idiot..... or a man of honor and faith towards his countrymen. Sometimes i wish i was more like him. I wish i believed in humanity. i wish i could believe in the best of people despite the worst circumstance in which they have left or placed me in. I wish i could outrun the diseases of our community and society and find a place for it to grow and live again. I wish i could trust the world.

My dad said "In our world today... the only thing a man needs is another to believe in him...that is all you have to do...believe in each other..."

maybe one day i will believe. I will believe that even in the darkest corners of darkest street in Kuala Lumpur there will be a shred of decency towards the purity of human life. No more will the people throw unwanted babies into garbage bins. No more will we look down upon the man who holds out his hand for favors by the road side. No more will we place uncertainty in people around us. No more will we not trust those who we work with and believe that maybe they are willing to fight for what is right as much as we are prepared to do the same. And maybe if we can achieve all this, then maybe, when we look to the stars once again, we will see the stars that guided us and our founding fathers, we will see the sky clearly and maybe we will believe that maybe, maybe, just maybe, our society will once again have its humanity.

The problem with our society today is that we do not trust each other. I myself cannot trust everyone. I cannot trust humanity when i read about killings and deaths happening on a street i passed when i was younger. But i want to. i want to trust humanity. Because i know that if we can be better people, then we can make it easier for others to believe in the humanity in us.

"And as we let our own light shine,
We purposely give others to do the same,
as we liberated from our own fears,
our liberation from fear,
allows others to be liberated,
as they no longer fear themselves...."

If maybe we can believe in our humanity or our society then maybe one day we will find that faith brings out the best in people when it is directed in the right place. faith in humanity can never be foul.

Our frame of love

Taraa~!!!

This is what i gave Seth.

Our hand-made frame of love.

Simple yet thoughtful tak?

*smiles*

I made it within 1.5 hour before he arrived here from kl.

I started making it at 3.00 pm

Finished at 4.00 pm

He arrive at 4.30 pm

Witnessed by Ita and Inda

hehe

Bahan-bahannye and cara- caranye adalah:

1. A frame ( up to you glass, plastic or wood. Mine is glass)

2. Sweet moments (Pictures)

3. Printed love (Just google. In case no time to make your own little love.)

4. Glue (I suggest glue stick, it won't mess ur thing)

1. Gunting (Cut)

2. Susun (Arrange)

3. Tampal (Paste)

heheheheh

Taking Risk

Who’s been in a situation where you consult a friend about something and all they do is telling u the negative outcome of the situation.

And then you consult another friend and they tell you mostly the positive outcome of what's going to happen.

And what about you, when a friend is in trouble and they come to you... what do you do?

Mostly when there is a problem or an unsolved matter, or a confused and troubled situation, I just love to turn to the people around me…never ever wanting to listen to my heart when I know that it always tell me what I really want and it just knows what it’s supposed to do.

It’s funny how most times, when I’m faced with a troubled situation, or I’m in something that will or will not leave me disturbed, people will usually tell me to go out the backdoor, instead of actually facing up and creating what I want to create. And sometimes, I have friends who tell me that I should go on with it and see what happens, if I get what I want... great.. If I don’t... its okay ... it's called taking a risk.

When people come to me, I usually tell them to take a risk. I myself sometimes believe that taking a risk is rather difficult, especially when you are taking a risk that’s going to affect those you love. I mean, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to feel sad, who wants to be disappointed? No one... but, when we allow our fear to take over our hearts in making decisions, we are actually losing out. Well that's what I feel. Nothing comes easy, don’t you think so?

No pain no gain. I have one life... only one... and to have all that I dream of in life. It’s going to be one hell of an exciting journey. Rainy days and bright sun shines, mountains and hills, rivers and the open sea. So what if I fall... I'll get up won’t I? If I’m lucky enough, I might have a hand to reach out for. I know u can reach out for mine.

V-day

We didn’t celebrate it last year. I didn’t feel like celebrating it and for Seth, he’s not into V-day. Plus, our official relationship was just 3 months old at that time. We were young and naïve. hehe. =P How about this year? Ok. Can’t you guess? I am smiling ear to ear right now! *smiles*

"Why do you wanna come here? I thought you don’t celebrate V-day..”

“I’m not celebrating it. I just miss you. I don’t want you… me… us; to be alone on that day…you don’t wanna see me?”

“Mane ade… I do wanna see you! hehe”

So he came and we spent 28 hours together. *smiles* How did we kill the time?

We did these:

We watched movies – Can’t deny that Jumper is cool but it failed to fulfill my expectation. So I gave 2 stars. Seth said there will be Jumper 2, maybe. CJ7 totally cooler than Jumper! The movie was hell funny! And at the same time made me cried! I gave 5 stars! Go, go and watch it!!

Lunch and tea-time in Mc Donald Teluk Cempedak – We were lucky. I played the wheel-of-fortune-game and got a surprise! A Best Male Hits cd from Mc D! Yay!

Dinners at Santai – This is one nice restaurant with creative design. The food is not bad. Their Ayam Pandan is delicious! No wonder we dined there twice.

We played chess – by the beach. We took away Green Tea, Big Coke and McFlurry from McD and then played the chess by the beach. I lost. All games. So not cool. My happy face turned to sulky face. =(

We talked to strangers – After I made the sulky face, Seth then played Chess with an uncle (a man who stood nearby watching us played) and I had a chit chat with the uncle’s wife. They have two cute little boys. Seth and I agreed that the uncle and wife is such a sweet couple (The aunt massaged the husband’s shoulders and supported him saying “Go go!”) Hehe.

Went to fun fair – We played and played and got cute bears, a frame, a wisdom game and a big bottle of Coke. Hehe. Seth took two tokens to keep. He wanted to make something out of them.

I know… those are all simple normal mundane activities to some BUT not for us. No matter how typical normal one thing is, but when we do it with our loved ones, it does make a difference. It has value in it. Value that cannot be quantified as a cost but we cherished it.

Till then, thanks for reading. =) I hope I can make you, readers, smile too.

p/s: I made him something on that day, will show you later. Hehe.

A clean well lighted place

I once wrote "we look to the stars and we realize that that capacity might well be limitless" here i add on with this "And it is only because we are surrounded by people whose capacity are as well limitless and their ability to share their capacities that makes US limitless. Every man has limits, but no society has its limits."

As i sat in front of my lecturers who are scared that i might one day return to the boy i once was when i first came to UKM, i listened carefully to their words.

"Hanafee, I dont want you to lose the man you have become, and i understand now that you dont want to lose it too.... dont worry... we'll do our part... As long as you let us know..."

"Hanafee we have all seen you grow from an immature boy to an overwhelming president of students, we all played a part in turning you into who you are today... and we're glad to know that you are who you are and we'll be here for you..."

These were people twice my age. People who need not care what i turn into. People who need not want to care. People who despite all their difficulties in life took the time out of their daily routine to sit me down and tell me that they're more than just my lecturers, they were my friends.

I can never tell them the things they have done for me. I can only say that i know im a hard person to deal with, my girlfriend knows that and so do these people and they took the time to know me. They took the effort to realize that a part of me was also in them and they cherished it. And so will I in the times to come. I have always wanted to tell them... but i couldnt, so im gooing to write it here... just to let it go....

You offer me assistance, whether it was just stopping by to ask for directions to another lecturers room, or if it was stopping by to ask for directions in life, you have always given me the time and effort. When i first came here, the boy that i was, i saw fear, and only fear, and you taught me that the fear, was actually myself and only myself and that you gave me an opportunity to erase those fears out of the journals of my life. And i did, slowly, but surely, i erased the fears in which had held me down in constraints. And i owe it all to them. Dr. Shan, Dr Gana, Dr. Ismaz, Dr. Noraini, Dr. Ruzy, Dr. Zalina, Miss Angie, Miss Anita.... you taught me that everything in life limits you but nothing in life can limit us. and i thank you for that....

There are so many words in my head i want to write down, but again i took from my previous writing.... "the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight..." Their capacity has made mine limitless... they are the angels that lights the dark alleys of my life in the darkest times... they are the people i want to be, when i can... i want to affect lives as they have... and i want to be proud when i do it because it makes me a little bit like them.... the end....

Lessons of the week

When you are ready to go somewhere, remember to browse the house for one last time in case you might leave something important behind. (Eg: a pair of Bata shoes for your interview)

When you want to buy something, remember to ask the price. Otherwise, your bf would end up paying hundreds for just a pair of simple black shoes. (Damn Hush Puppies. Even Scholl doesn’t reach 2-double-oh)

When you want to visit your mother in law in hospital and you had no idea what to give to make her smile… buy her a “Get Well Soon” card and kiss her when u leave.

When you visit a sick family member or relative or even a friend and you become speechless you don’t know what to say, just sit near them and hold their hand. 5 seconds of your caring touch means a lot than 5 minutes of your words.

Gong Xi Fa Cai !

I hope it's still not too late to wish..

The chinese readers

Happy Chinese New Year!

Gong Hey Fatt Choy!!

Have a prosperous new year.

Good luck and good fortune in this Rat's year.

To the rest… happy holidays!

Ethnic Cleansing

"[E]thnic cleansing [...] defies easy definition. At one end it is virtually indistinguishable from forced emigration and population exchange while at the other it merges with deportation and genocide. At the most general level, however, ethnic cleansing can be understood as the expulsion of a population from a given territory" - definition by Andrew Bell-Fialkoff


The term "Ethnic cleansing" was created in order to make what was wrong, to be right. Ethnic cleansing is just another word or term for mass murder. Din told me of a quote by a Nazi that he doesn't remember the name where he said "When you kill 1 it is murder, but when you kill a million, it becomes a statistic." Some of you might already realize that this post is another serious post. Something I believe Malaysians do realize is happening, yet we turn the other cheek.


On January 30th a USA envoy declared that Nairobi, Kenya was facing ethnic cleansing. Let me rephrase that. On January 30th, a USA envoy declared that Nairobi, Kenya was facing mass murder of its people. More than 800 people have been killed so far and the newly appointed Kenyan government has yet issued a statement regarding their actions on the on going matter. I read the news excerpt on Yahoo.com carefully and as i read it I realized this...... This people in Kenya, are killing Kenyans because they come from a different tribe. A tribe they are convinced does not belong in their place.


Some of you might be thinking, disputes and wars happen. But i say that this particular war (if you can call it that) is actually ridiculous. Let me explain why i see it as being ridiculous. In Malaysia you have Malays, but as Usman Awang said in his poem entitled "Melayu" he said -


Melayu di Tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu, Bugis itu Melayu
Banjar juga disebut Melayu,
Minangkabau memang Melayu,
Keturunan Acheh adalah Melayu,
Jakun dan Sakai asli Melayu,
Arab dan Pakistani, semua Melayu
Mamak dan Malbari serap ke Melayu
Malah mua'alaf bertakrif Melayu
(Setelah disunat anunya itu)


Meaning to say instead of focusing on our differences, we have succeeded in focusing on the things we have in common, and we make each other no stranger. These tribal war in Kenya, is between a tribe named Luo and Kikuyu and as i scroll looking for pictures of the fight. I realize that their differences are as clear as my differences compared to my friends. Its like i would kill a Jawa who is also a Malay just because he was not fully Malay. It was as if i would kill Din.


There are times in life when we must look at the stars and wish that their guide would stream over to everyone, so that all would understand that compromise brings with it not only peace, but also comfort. They should realize that no blood is worth shedding just because we know that they are different. The question of whether or not they deserve something or not should not be a question left out to human beings, as a matter a fact, is a question that should be left up to God himself.


My friend once said to me this sentence "Is this the part where you tell us that we should all count our blessings that we live in a peaceful society?" this is my answer to him and to everyone.


No, we should not be counting our blessings yet, as a matter a fact, judging from the current state of our country, we are likely to be offended or offend others in this closest time. We should count our blessings but at the same time, be afraid and aware, because if we are not careful, one of us, one day might just cause a racial war.


God give us strength and courage to face what You may one day might throw at us, God give us the ability to Compromise....