Friday, December 28, 2007

New years and my dad

My family has a weird tradition on new years eve's. We usually wait for my dad to come back from a corporate party of some sort and then we spend the whole night watching tv together with the whole family..... watching anything that is shown on the tv and we all sit together while my mom makes something like fish sticks or nuggets to just nibble on. Ever since my dad left.. it was never the same. Transitionally maybe because we also had to go off somewhere at sometime and we never had a long period together.

I'm spending this new years with my girlfriend little miss Summer. I am excited about it. Ive never had the chance to spend new years with anyone other than myself or my family. So this is new for me. Spending new years with someone i love entirely. Thanx Summer for inviting me.

My dad and new years have always had some sort of effect on me. It feels like when i lose a year, im losing him all over again. After he died i once remembered picking up this little black book he always used. Where i found he wrote something under the first of January..

"A new day has begun, with it bringing a new year, which means a new hope, a new beginning, something to start a fresh, where all our past sins become trivial, where all our future hopes become so bright. My only hope is that my sons begins this year knowing that it can be better than the year before...."

Ever since i read it, i have never looked at the beginning of the year and say "this year is going to suck..." but rather "this is going to be a hell of a year..."

:) its been a great thing my father taught us. Something i will never remember. And every year when i feel like ive just lost him again, i hear the booming of fire-works in the distant of skies, and i realized, i didnt lose him, he's just reminding me that "this year has passed move on and create a better one.."

So this blog... is for my dad... I Miss You.... Heaven knows i wish you were here to see Miss Summer and love her like i do...

Btw the pic was taken from and i think it says exactly what i feel hehe

Big Jigsaw Puzzle

I grew up with a heart that wanted to love the whole world. It was great... at times it was very painful... some other moments I felt numb. At one point in my life. I decided to give up on my heart. I decided to give up on my feelings. I separated my emotions and lived a cold unhappy life. I became selfish, I became the most self centered person anyone could know, I became cold, I was lost, drifting away in non special moments, and made life miserable for those around me.

But one day, I decided to pick up the pieces of broken little me. It was tough and difficult. Because I had broken myself into very little pieces, I was everywhere. And sometimes I couldn’t find the pieces to fit myself back. At times I almost gave up. Because it was just too hard. Along the way, I was guided to find these broken pieces. There were a lot of people who supported me, who never once, gave up on me no matter what.

And I thought to myself. Even others don’t give up on me. Why am I giving up on myself? Why torture my own self? And then. I had a 180 degrees change of mind. I continued my search. But with a different outlook. I felt excited, I felt eager, and looking for these broken pieces became a challenge instead. And the search goes on... even until today.

And every time I find a piece of myself, there's a sigh of relief. A beautiful moment that I share and celebrate with everyone around me. Sometimes, I blind myself. I pretend not to find that piece. I deny that it’s my piece. Then I think again, why deny me? And so I turn to acceptance, accepting that little piece that perhaps I hate so much. Sometimes I blind myself again, and I have people around me, who found my special piece, and I am ever so grateful for such moments in my life.

And then one day. I found all the pieces to my heart. And that was a moment in my life that I would never ever forget. Because of that day, I am truly blessed. From time to time, my heart will break, again, because this is life, where nothing is perfect, but because of that special day... I will never ever again... give up on my heart. I’m still looking for my other pieces. I’ll look forever, until there's no tomorrow to look for.

Because... my life is a jigsaw puzzle... a big one... putting it all together until I breathe my last breath. And to those around me, I’d like to acknowledge u for being a part of my jigsaw puzzle.

I thank u.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Hero

In literature... The hero is defined as a main character who undergoes a journey and is transformed to be a better person by the end of the journey. An antagonist who always tries to do the right thing. Even if it was something bad, it would usually be justified.

In todays culture a hero is symbolized through various ways. We have the more famous superheroes like Superman, Batman, Spiderman etc. In greek mythology or history we have that of Achilles, Hercules, Philatetis. Malay culture we have Tuah, Nadim and they were all considered heroes. Having your name written amongst these men would probably seem cool but i would actually disagree. Okay! explanation time, the reason why im writing this blog is because late late night in bed my friends and i had this discussion (more like small talk actually) where they said "

"wouldnt it be great if we had superpowers where we could save the world??"

Yeah its a childish conversation to have, but everything can be "matured" you know. I disagreed in quiet. The hero complex happens to every guy. Well almost every guy. The need to protect. The need to save. The need to be looked up to. But not all are built this way. There so much great thing to be admired towards a hero. Like a story, but whats more important is the stories that are left untold.

A hero is lonely. He will never truly be happy with anyone. This is my theory. The larger-than-life you become, the more the lack of little things hurt you. Lets take some examples, Superman will out-live any women he is in love with. Whats even worst so will his child. Both of them (or more) will have to go through the agony of losing a loved one, maybe more than once in their long life time. and since supermans child would be half human, the child might not even be immortal. NOTHING is more wrong than having to bury your own child. He will feel that and its inevitable.

Batman has lost both of his parents and not being able to stick to one relationship, he will probably die alone in his room, robin will get older, and die all the same and no one will ever really know them...

Achilles will have blood stained on his hands forever, the eyes of the people he killed will haunt his dreams and he cannot share his nightmare (to be exact) with anyone. I mean come on, he killed the cousin of his lover, theres no way that relationship is going to work.

Tuah, has had to go through the death of three of his five brothers and having to kill his last brother by himself. Killing your brother, the only fragment of your past where you lived with a smile. Betrayed by the people he believed in most. He, will die knowing he ended his brothers life, for the sake of people who earlier tried to execute him.

Can we live like a hero? Can we save the people around us not just from everything else but also from themselves?? Can we stay alone for the rest of our lives??

These so called hero has one problem and one problem only. The fact that they are larger than life. The fact that they are larger than life makes everyone around them think, that maybe, they dont need trivialities such a hand to hold, a loved one to hug, a brother to talk to, a family..........

When you are larger than life... then everything else seems trivial. that is why in the end... what hero wants.... is to be normal.... to like everyone else... to be average... to live life not be larger than it....

someone once said "living is not about the moments that you take a breath... but moments that take your breath away..."

possibly, in taking away other people breaths by creating moments... these heroes.. forgot to have moments that take their breaths away....

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Making choices

Again i will write about the problem that everyone still face. From the youngest reader reading this, to the oldest reader available. It might get easier to face for the older and seasoned individual but for the young ones, its a matter of trying to get it right. The problem of making a choice.

For as long as i can remember, i have always wanted to have a masters degree and a phd. A doctrate in English literature, has always been a dream of mine. Dr. Hanafee Abdul Rahman. Blood makes me queasy so its only logical that i was going to have an academic phd. Where's the choice?? This is something that no one knows. For the past few months, i have been having doubts whether or not i want to pursue my oldest dream ever. As trivial to most as it would seem, right now i am having doubts of going on with my life-long plan ever since i was 12. I am actually thinking about working after my degree and save up some money to be able to do the things i wanna do. My head tells me:

"Are you nuts!!!!???? Youve wanted this ever since you could talk!!! youve wanted this longer than youve wanted a transformer figurine!!!"

and i wanna listen to it... but my heart is telling me....

"Someones waiting... can you really wait 6 more years? Maybe you can... but can she?? do you want her to wait that long?"

Most of you might be saying "He's throwing his future for a girl...." and some might say "He's being practical..." or "Thats sweet... shes so important to him..."

Why am i writing this down?? because... its been the only thing Ive been thinking about today... 600 years ago shakespeare wrote about the same thing i am writing about today, "To be or not to be...." and if shakespeare couldnt answer it... its only fair i dwell on this matter longer...

My brother once said, "When all else fails... go with your heart..."
Hopefully one day i will look back and dont regret the decision i make...

"I shall be telling this with a sigh...
somewhere ages and ages hence...
two roads diverged in a yellow wood and i....
i took the one less traveled by...
and that has made all the difference..."

:) hope its the kind of different im going to like....

Friday, December 21, 2007

Today is...

Today is the second day of Sacrifice Day (Eid al-Adha). Today is blog entry #11. Today is the day Dad being generous. Today is the day I got green.

Today Seth is happy because Summer is happy. Today is for nothing else but sharing the happiness.

Today is the day to give an honest answer and to avoid awkward conversation. Today is a great day to expose my result – 3.71, dean’s list. Today I hope when semester opens they won’t come up to me and ask about it in the future.

Today is a great day to say thank you for all that I have and have experienced. Today I can thank God, mom, dad and darling Seth. Today I want to thank my lectures and fellow friends.

Today I wish my siblings are going to have the same luck with their results (PMR and IB).

Today is the good start of giving people something to think about. Today is the reminder that there is no right or wrong, only we who make it so.

Tomorrow will be a great day to feel like a stress bunny and to figure out how to find solutions for my untouched part 2 thesis.

Today is day to say. YAY! Hehe

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Gaming frenzy

A few days ago my friend/temporary roomate (din) brought back from his house a router... more like a connecting hub to join our four available pc in our rooms into one connection... For one particular reason... Network gaming.. and that is what have been going on in our room... We play all kinds of games from Tiberium Wars (CNC) Frozen Throne (DOTA) Sega Tennis, PES, and every other game that you can think of... Now its fun and all but if you think carefully.... Its actually rather tiring haha....

We wake up and then play games... then we eat... then more games.. then we have our afternoon tea... and more games... then games the entire night... and games until we all fall asleep on our keyboards.... oh yeah sometimes the afternoon tea and lunch and dinner is done while we're gaming... hahha... i love my friends but i have to say.. if i dont start being more productive with my thesis... i might never get it finish hehhe...

I have never really been a gamer... I play the particular few games just to catch up.. but never spend more than 5 hours doing it... since we got the hub.. i feel as if my life revolves around playing games.. its like eating comes second games first... sometimes i like it sometimes i dread the addiction... an addiction you love to hate... hehhe

But sometimes.... i like it.. having to be able to connect with my friends.. talking to them about things i didnt understand before this... but all i know is this... i need to stop the addiction before the next semester starts or I AM DOOMED

Lie and Truth

Have you ever lied? What makes you lie? What kind of lies?
If you asked me those questions, my answers would be: YEAP. Because I don’t want me or so-so to get hurt. Just white lies.

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Hey it rhymes! Whatever.

The fact is: Sometimes, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth freaking hurts. Like Meredith said, “Here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie”

The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to heart. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

The hardest thing you can give someone is the truth. The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Car conversation

Today was different then any other day.. The mamak stall session was not that productive.. we spent most of the time talking about different kinds of food we werent eating that day haha... but the session in the car seemed to be a little weird... Shafiq (a good friend of mine) spoke a little about what he had to do today.. you see shafiq talked about marketing (accumulating a certain amount of money for a program) and he spoke about two things.

Firstly the most basic of marketing strategies known to UKM students. We call it "Street Marketing". If you have ever been in a Malaysian High School, you pretty much know that basic of this strategy. All you do is talk to people on the streets and try hard to have them donate as much money as possible. I remembered it being so much easier when we i was younger. I realized when you were young you had no ego. You would walk up to anyone you saw and ask if they were interested. Getting a lot older now, teenagers particularly, we have this mentality who would like to give and who would not like to give. Plus most people dont like giving money to a bunch of teenagers who look like they're trying to convince you to join a Multilevel Marketing Scheme (sorry lack of better terms). I am not one to gloat, but i found it amazing to do street marketing. I like the interaction i do with people. Making them laugh, trying to convince them with a smile and some jokes. But i liked it and i realized that if people put more effort into smiling and trying to be funny... your more succesfull. Its kinda how you go through life. People like that... the whole witty smiling thing...

I like to think that some people think being cool is the way to go... and sometimes it is... i have a lot of "cool" friends... but i also have those happy go lucky people in life... and i love them... i love the idea of that always laughing and smiling... having only a few bad days... but the people who try to have fun without trying to have toooo much fun are the people i like most... we chat drink have fun... but we dont do drugs, alcohol etc.

Have fun but not too much fun....

More like a smile not a laugh... thats what we talked about.... we talked about how to smile and show youre trying... dont try too hard... but try at least a bit.. smile not laugh... just smile ;)... anyways... i like writing in this new blog... it makes me happy... it makes me smile but not laugh hehehe

Pain and Hope

Doctors are trained to look for disease. Sometimes the problem is easily detected, most of the time they need to go step by step. Mula-mula, searching the surface looking for any sign of trouble. Most of the time, they can't tell what's wrong with somebody by just looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell a whole other story.

Sebagai manusia, kita semua dah cuba yang terbaik. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. If we are lucky, we end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, dan perlukan more than just a quick fix. For some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal.

Masa kecil dulu, my parents pernah kata “Dah, biarkan luka tu kena angin, jangan guna plaster, nanti lambat baik” when I got deep cuts. Well, though we know it’s not exactly the right thing to do because there’s possibility that my luka bole kene jangkit kuman, but they are our parents, they dah makan garam lebih! That’s why they wanted us to rip off the plaster. To let our luke breathe. =)

Doktor ni banyak kasik fakta. But what we, the patient, really want to know is - will the pain go away? Will I feel better? Am I cured? What patients really want to know is - is there hope? Is there hope that all my infections will go away? Will all the medicines you gave to me really work, doctor? But hey, like always, doctors will convince you using their convincing tone that you are going to be ok.

But what if we are not ok? Then, it will bring us back to square one, the feeling of pain again. Also, what if the pain cannot be treated with pain-killers?

Then, you just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals, and pray you are going to be ok. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside.


You can see me perfectly fine, doctor. But I am still not ok.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Another Choice

What i am about to tell you might sound like i took it out of a typical drama. But in actuality, this actually happened to a friend of mine. So here's the scenario... before i start... i would like to state... i cannot believe im writing this down... but some of the things he said struck a note....

My friend (lets call him Alif) has a girlfriend (call her Alin) and Alin has just gotten an offer to work abroad in Australia.. or New Zealand not sure... but the thing is that they've been dating for 4 years and pretty much have never dated anyone except each other... So Alin decided it was not worth leaving Alif behind. Alif wanted it to be Alin's choice so whatever she chose to he just accepted it. Dont get me wrong, Alif probably is just as successful as Alin but maybe Alin is just lucky. Anyway, Alin's parents heard the story and invited Alif for a lunch outing just the three of them...

At this lunch outing... Alins parents convinced Alif that Alif was holding her back. They said even if Alif did not ask her to stay, he is the reason why Alin stayed and he should let her go pursue a dream and a future. The talk lasted for a few hours in which by the end... Alif was convinced he was holding her back... So Alif tried subtly convincing her to go... she was determined.. she wouldnt go because it would just pull them farther apart... So he did what he thought was necessary. He didnt wanna hold her back... so he said...

"I think we should end our relationship here... maybe its time to think about ourselves..." Alin heard this, questioned him which he answered with stares out the window... and Alin left...

Days that followed after that were filled with short messages on what had happened, did she do something wrong and of course in the end... do you have someone else... Alin is in pain... she was left...

Alif was in bigger pain... he had to leave someone he loved... this is what he said to me...

"I just dont get it... I loved her unconditionally... why is the first thing she asked after our break was not "did somethin happen??" but rather "is there someone else?" doesnt she know that this is killing me?? doesnt she know that the only reason i would leave her... if it meant better things for her??"

....................this is what i said............

In all honesty... you dont get to choose what you think is good for her... thats her choice... only she has the right to choose what she thinks would make her happy... its not her parents... and definitely not you... even if she has a successful future but if shes not happy without you then all the money in the world wont help...

Alin... you should know... how much he loves you... never once feeling like he wanted to even glance at another women... it kills him to let you go and the only reason why he's doing it is because he's doing what he thinks is right for you...

Alif... i understand youre insatiable need to make her life better... but have you ever thought that maybe... her life is only better when she has you around... think about it...

At the end of the day... everyday we make choices.. but we dont make choices for people in our lives... only they are allowed that luxury... we might get hurt or we might like the choices they make... but its still their choices... not ours... tell her the truth... let her pick... then you'll really know what makes you happy....

Friday, December 14, 2007


Can you see the scars on his face? Nampak macho kan? hehe.

Anyway, I think semua orang ade scar. Be it eyes-can-see scars or invisible scars. Tipu lah kalau takde scar langsung.

People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. It’s like secret roadmaps of their personal histories…diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers. Sometimes, looking at own scars is enough to make one hurts.

Mane satu yang worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did?

Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what I like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

So, do you have scars?

Choosing a future

A few friends of mine invited some of their brothers and sisters to sit along with me and talk about their future. As i sat the 'mamak' stall waiting for them i was nervous about what to tell them. I mean how do you tell a bunch of teenagers how to go through life when you yourself are just 22 years old? My first thought was probably normal 'I am definitely not the guy anyone should be asking these questions to' but my friends insisted on my knack to convince people so i agreed. Which leads me back to the 'mamak' stall.

When they got there, they were a few of them, and they sat down and ordered. One of them said,

"Thanx bro sebab wanting to talk dengan kita orang." i smiled and as usual the 'dont-worry about it' followed.

one said
"Kena pikir betul-betul ni, i don't want to go to a university to do something i'm going to regret my whole life..."

another said
"Dah lah zaman sekarang ni degree dah macam tak guna, dapat degree tak marketable lagi tak guna"

and of course my personal favorite
"Taknak aku belajar tiga tahun then kena apply jadi guru ganti kat sekolah"

These were comments coming from 18 and 19 year olds. Obviously they were matured for their age and that they were intelligent. But as much as i liked the spirit they showed they were still like me when i was their age. So i told them

"Listen guys, remember this, in life what kind of education you get plays a minor role about who you are in the future. What matters most is how you face the life in a university and how that contributes to your growth as a person. You can be a medic student who is guaranteed a high paying job, or you can be an engineer destined for gritty but high paying priced job. But its not gonna mean anything if you're not happy."

I believe that, i believe in learning what you wanna learn. Go to a university and learn things you wanna know about. Not just things that will get you a good job and financial security in the future. I might not have met enough people in my life, but i have met enough to say this, people who choose to learn for the benefit of the money, might have a bigger car, and a bigger house or a much more prettier paycheck. But people who learn what they love, comes home to his wife and children everyday with a smile. Hugs his/her children take them out for a nice dinner, come home and watch a movie and go to sleep a night knowing they did well today.

Im not saying a high-paying job is not good or we shouldnt go after it. But fulfill the most important parts of your lives first. Enjoy that first kiss, or that first date, or that first time you feel "real" butterflies in your stomach (by real im trying to differentiate it with the butterflies in highschool) and enjoy what you do.

Aristotle once said, "find something you like, make it your job and you'll never have to work a day in your life."

So you can find a marketable course you think is right for you, or be lawyer or a doctor, or an engineer. But my advise sounded something like this.

"You cant worry about choosing a future because you're worrying about something you cannot control. So why worry, but you can worry about now, since you can do something about it, asks yourself, what would make you happy now? Would it make you happy to read and read and read and get a law degree? or would working with engines and theories on how to make it better make you happy? You can be anything you want, but you would only want to be something that would make you happy."

So my last words were

"Dont think what the future holds for you, but think about how happy you can be with the future you created based on what you like. Don't think about how happy you are doing a job, but how happy doing a job makes you feel...."

By the end of the day, i had to pay for 12 roti canai's, 4 teh o ais, 3 milo ais, and a few other i cant remember. Ceit.. barely into life and they're already cheap hehe bye people...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


En el principo means "In The beginning". In what particular language? i have no idea. This post is an introduction, an introduction is a beginning, an opening, a preface, a prologue so to speak. More importantly, a beginning of what?

This blog is dedicated to everything and anything under the blue sky. We'll write about movies, life, music, love, events, situations. This a place for the different. Here different is unique. Typical is not cliched but rather, conformed. A place to speak about bad and good times. A place to let loose and share. A place to believe and hope. A place for guidance and help. A place where everyone is accepted no matter who you are. A place called Alexandria. A home for the brave.

A place to say good morning with a cup of coffee. A place to share a glass of hot cocoa during a rainy day. A place where you can feel like you're apart of something. But most importantly, a place where everyone can make a beginning. This is a place dedicated to blogging, the best way to say what you have in your head. A place to pour your heart out.

Introduction - to introduce, preface, foreword, prologue preamble, overture... so ladies and gentlemen... let us begin this chapters of our lives with YAY!!!! enjoy