Tuesday, January 30, 2007

i don't know.

When u read this, it sounds familiar. Indeed. This is exactly the same entry that I once posted months ago. And I post the words again here with some changes. It’s what I am feeling right now.

It seems that everything I do or think about now just stays in my head these days. In complex, wordless form. I begin to feel difficult to talk to people and even you. I think I’ve lost something. And I don’t know what it is. Passion? Me?. I Lost much. Daily activities have increased these days. The tests are just around the corner. I wish I am an irresponsible person. So I don’t have to care about courses and programs that I am not interested in. irresponsible so I can skip classes and fly to you. I’m trying to keep everything in balance. I'm rotting inside out.

I want to go home.

Nothing seems right for long. I could be thinking about a bright and happy future, and the next second, blur.
My heart doesn't pump like normal anymore. It's pumping something. Something unexplainable. Hate? Worry? It keeps me up at night. It makes me sick in the mornings. It makes me laugh and the next second, it makes me silent while I hear your voice when the tears keep on flowing down my cheeks. I feel lotsa emotions. And the next second again, I could feel nothing.

The only good thing about it is that my injured heart feels numb. I know it is only you reading this blog. I know some of them may be about you. But this is it, I’m laying them out. I need you here. So I can feel safe.

Again, the air is thick with lies. I live in a big lie. I seek the way of truth, and followed it. But now I’m very much lost. I'm in need of help in ways no one can. I have lost the truth, and found much lies. The stories go around, and each passing, a sentence is added. The air is thick with lies. Lies so thick I’m choking.

I want to go home.
I want to see you.

Friday, January 19, 2007

At five

This morning, at 4am, his handphone chirped and woke me from my senseless dream -_-

I don't remember the exact moment of waking up and grabbing the phone from his side and looking at it... much less looking at a miss call from an unknown number and reading an sms from a lonely chick who was unfortunate enough to to be awake at 4am on a weeknight.

The sms was a simple straighforward, albeit a little gedik sounding. I don't remember reading that sms or even trying to understand what it was trying to say, but I woke up safe and cosy in his arm a couple of hours later remembering that sms.

Now, I am not in the habit of checking my partner's phone/sms/email/etc anymore. I mean, what is the point? It shows lack of trust and also creates reasons to start fights. You know what I mean... "Who is this? Who is she? Why is she calling. You never told me about her. Since when u two starts emailing?" etc... And it doesn't work. Trust me. If they wanna cheat on you, they will do it any way they could. Besides, they will respect you more if you show enough respect and trust towards them. (Unless of course, if he is a complete pathetic asshole who is just never satisfied with whatever you do/sacrifice for them).

While i can sleep soundly in his arms, blessed with such good fortune to be able to win his heart and receive his warm kisses and hugs, looking into his eyes before I fall into deep sleep and waking up with his arms around me and kisses to start the day...

And that poor girl... she won't experience this with him as long as he is with me, and I thought of her, sitting up in bed, awake at 5am, thinking of him, and resorting to sending out smses and trying to call him and then being ignored... I just feel pity for her. (Unless of course, she becomes a real threat to me.)


Damn. I have changed.

*p/s : a mix of whats real and whats not.

Monday, January 8, 2007

friendship + forever

I used to have or maybe still have problems with putting thoughts to words (no wonder I don like essay writing) and started writing to fix that. It worked. Hehe.

So wats up with this “ friendship forever” thing? When I was a kid..in primary school days to be exact, I had this one group of friends (all girls). We shared stories and gossips…and did things together. And even liked or admired the same boy! Every time we wrote “BIODATA SAYA” or “ WHO’S THIS GIRL?” (u know la kan..kids dulu dulu suke ade buku simpan profiles kengkawan hehe ), it always ended up with “friends forever”. Well, it’s the past. history. Good old days… and sweet old memories that I’ll always cherish and am proud I was a part of that Sekolah Rendah Taman Rinting 1. *smiles*

I am 21. I’ve made lotsa friends along the journey. Close friends. Gitu-gitu friends. Normal friends. Best friends. Old friends. Special friends. Come to think of it. Can friends be categorized into groups? Let’s fikirkan bersama. Hehe. Right. Tak baik diskriminasi ni… but percaya atau tidak… jika saya katakan…that we tend to classify things into certain groups whether it’s intentionally or unintentionally.

Now. 2007. where the hell is my group of friends from primary school? Where is the “member ber5” from SAMURA? Where are all those people who used to say and write “friends forever”? Where are they? Why don’t they keep in touch with me anymore? Lets not point out to them la kan, instead, the question should be.. why don’t I keep in touch with them anymore? *Thinking*

Forever. there’s no such thing as forever unless we are in heaven or hell. Come on la, nowadays forever can mean a year, two weeks time, a month, or even miliseconds. If those friends do not call or sms u anymore although u have tried to reach them for so many times then Move on. Our lives need to keep going. Or maybe someone is being so emotional about this whole friendship thing. Hehe.

I came across this sentence. People changed. It’s just that, we forgot to tell each other. Ha.. that’s it. I just forgot to tell u that I’ve changed and vise versa. Time changed and so do you and me. and I am not disappearing, as some people put it. I am juz giving wat I have to offer. And those r love and friendship from here.

i complain here. period.

I swear this is not the first time I am complaining about this but what the fcuk la kan.

Newsflash: I am skinny.

And so what la kan? So what if I am so mhoterfcukin skinny that I look like I can break when people hug me? So what that I am so bloody skinny that it looks like I can't even lift my legs? Or my arms, or my head for that matter?

It's me who is skinny. Not YOU. It is MY body not yours. Besides, what right do these people have to keep commenting about my body?

Because you know what? It is just not fair.

Would you ever go up to somebody fat and say "Wah, why so fat one?" or "Hey why are you getting fatter and fatter?" or "My gawd, you are so big! What the hell are you eating?!"

No, you wouldn't. Why? Duh. It's rude. And it will hurt him or her. Most probably he or she can't help it that her body is so big.

Here's news for you morons: Neither can I.

And then there are those morons who keep saying that I am fortunate enough that I was born to be freakishly skinny instead of doughy fat because to them:

1. I won't have diseases.
2. I can shop for clothes easily
3. I won't have to watch what I eat

Here's what I say: Fcuk you.

First of all, how dare you diss the fat people? I happen to LIKE fat people because they are usually so damn cool and warm. And they don't have any of that bloody sombong attitude that other people might have.

Secondly, who the hell are you to make comparisons and state who is better (fat or thin) as tho you are some goddamn professor who has a doctorate studying fat and/or thin human beings. YOU, are just YOU. Another regular human being who is just so damn insecure about yourself that you need to shift your focus off your lame life onto other people, in your case, thin and fat people.

Like how there are others who tries to complete their pathetic lives by preaching about religion. But I spose in your case, it is looks. Hey you know what? I may be thin, and they might be fat but we can try to eat/diet but you are just so damn ugly I don't think Extreme Makeover would call you in anytime soon to make your pathetic dream a reality. Ok honey?

Thirdly, how do you know all of the above? How do you know that I don't have any sickness from being so skinny? And that it is "easy for me to shop" and that I don't have to watch what I eat?

No you don't know. You are, what we call, making assumptions.

I am so sick of getting people that I sort of know, whom I see once in a while, exclaiming "Wah! Why so skinny one!" every-fcuking-time they see me.

I used to defend myself, you know. It's in my family genes la! which may explain why its so hard for me to put on weight. That even though I eat four times a day I can't gain weight.

One incident had this little bitch asking me what I eat everyday. Wow. She might as well capture me and put me in a glass cage and study my behaviour day-to-day patterns in life and what I eat to finally be able to make the conclusion on why i am just so bloody skinny. I mean, who the is she to ask me that!?

When I told her that I do eat a lot, she gave me this look. Damn. She gave me this shock and surprised look and went "NoooOOoOOooooo waayyyyy". That was when I got so pissed I walked off with her running after me.

I don't think it is ok for anyone to make remarks about anybody's fucking weight and giving us looks like we are freaks of nature and as tho we are doing it on purpose.

Don't you think that I want to be bigger? I want to put on at least 6kg so that I can fill my 155cm better. But I just cannot. No matter how much I eat. I just can't. And don't you fcuking dare ask me why.

So you know what I do now? Everytime someone says "Aiya! So skinny la!" I answer them back: "Yeah, I am anorexic. Didn't you know?"

That shut them up completely.

Yay me. I rule. Hah.