New years and my dad

My family has a weird tradition on new years eve's. We usually wait for my dad to come back from a corporate party of some sort and then we spend the whole night watching tv together with the whole family..... watching anything that is shown on the tv and we all sit together while my mom makes something like fish sticks or nuggets to just nibble on. Ever since my dad left.. it was never the same. Transitionally maybe because we also had to go off somewhere at sometime and we never had a long period together.

I'm spending this new years with my girlfriend little miss Summer. I am excited about it. Ive never had the chance to spend new years with anyone other than myself or my family. So this is new for me. Spending new years with someone i love entirely. Thanx Summer for inviting me.

My dad and new years have always had some sort of effect on me. It feels like when i lose a year, im losing him all over again. After he died i once remembered picking up this little black book he always used. Where i found he wrote something under the first of January..

"A new day has begun, with it bringing a new year, which means a new hope, a new beginning, something to start a fresh, where all our past sins become trivial, where all our future hopes become so bright. My only hope is that my sons begins this year knowing that it can be better than the year before...."

Ever since i read it, i have never looked at the beginning of the year and say "this year is going to suck..." but rather "this is going to be a hell of a year..."

:) its been a great thing my father taught us. Something i will never remember. And every year when i feel like ive just lost him again, i hear the booming of fire-works in the distant of skies, and i realized, i didnt lose him, he's just reminding me that "this year has passed move on and create a better one.."

So this blog... is for my dad... I Miss You.... Heaven knows i wish you were here to see Miss Summer and love her like i do...

Btw the pic was taken from postsecrets.blogspot.com and i think it says exactly what i feel hehe

Big Jigsaw Puzzle

I grew up with a heart that wanted to love the whole world. It was great... at times it was very painful... some other moments I felt numb. At one point in my life. I decided to give up on my heart. I decided to give up on my feelings. I separated my emotions and lived a cold unhappy life. I became selfish, I became the most self centered person anyone could know, I became cold, I was lost, drifting away in non special moments, and made life miserable for those around me.

But one day, I decided to pick up the pieces of broken little me. It was tough and difficult. Because I had broken myself into very little pieces, I was everywhere. And sometimes I couldn’t find the pieces to fit myself back. At times I almost gave up. Because it was just too hard. Along the way, I was guided to find these broken pieces. There were a lot of people who supported me, who never once, gave up on me no matter what.

And I thought to myself. Even others don’t give up on me. Why am I giving up on myself? Why torture my own self? And then. I had a 180 degrees change of mind. I continued my search. But with a different outlook. I felt excited, I felt eager, and looking for these broken pieces became a challenge instead. And the search goes on... even until today.

And every time I find a piece of myself, there's a sigh of relief. A beautiful moment that I share and celebrate with everyone around me. Sometimes, I blind myself. I pretend not to find that piece. I deny that it’s my piece. Then I think again, why deny me? And so I turn to acceptance, accepting that little piece that perhaps I hate so much. Sometimes I blind myself again, and I have people around me, who found my special piece, and I am ever so grateful for such moments in my life.

And then one day. I found all the pieces to my heart. And that was a moment in my life that I would never ever forget. Because of that day, I am truly blessed. From time to time, my heart will break, again, because this is life, where nothing is perfect, but because of that special day... I will never ever again... give up on my heart. I’m still looking for my other pieces. I’ll look forever, until there's no tomorrow to look for.

Because... my life is a jigsaw puzzle... a big one... putting it all together until I breathe my last breath. And to those around me, I’d like to acknowledge u for being a part of my jigsaw puzzle.

I thank u.

The Hero

In literature... The hero is defined as a main character who undergoes a journey and is transformed to be a better person by the end of the journey. An antagonist who always tries to do the right thing. Even if it was something bad, it would usually be justified.

In todays culture a hero is symbolized through various ways. We have the more famous superheroes like Superman, Batman, Spiderman etc. In greek mythology or history we have that of Achilles, Hercules, Philatetis. Malay culture we have Tuah, Nadim and they were all considered heroes. Having your name written amongst these men would probably seem cool but i would actually disagree. Okay! explanation time, the reason why im writing this blog is because late late night in bed my friends and i had this discussion (more like small talk actually) where they said "


"wouldnt it be great if we had superpowers where we could save the world??"

Yeah its a childish conversation to have, but everything can be "matured" you know. I disagreed in quiet. The hero complex happens to every guy. Well almost every guy. The need to protect. The need to save. The need to be looked up to. But not all are built this way. There so much great thing to be admired towards a hero. Like a story, but whats more important is the stories that are left untold.

A hero is lonely. He will never truly be happy with anyone. This is my theory. The larger-than-life you become, the more the lack of little things hurt you. Lets take some examples, Superman will out-live any women he is in love with. Whats even worst so will his child. Both of them (or more) will have to go through the agony of losing a loved one, maybe more than once in their long life time. and since supermans child would be half human, the child might not even be immortal. NOTHING is more wrong than having to bury your own child. He will feel that and its inevitable.

Batman has lost both of his parents and not being able to stick to one relationship, he will probably die alone in his room, robin will get older, and die all the same and no one will ever really know them...

Achilles will have blood stained on his hands forever, the eyes of the people he killed will haunt his dreams and he cannot share his nightmare (to be exact) with anyone. I mean come on, he killed the cousin of his lover, theres no way that relationship is going to work.

Tuah, has had to go through the death of three of his five brothers and having to kill his last brother by himself. Killing your brother, the only fragment of your past where you lived with a smile. Betrayed by the people he believed in most. He, will die knowing he ended his brothers life, for the sake of people who earlier tried to execute him.

Can we live like a hero? Can we save the people around us not just from everything else but also from themselves?? Can we stay alone for the rest of our lives??

These so called hero has one problem and one problem only. The fact that they are larger than life. The fact that they are larger than life makes everyone around them think, that maybe, they dont need trivialities such a hand to hold, a loved one to hug, a brother to talk to, a family..........

When you are larger than life... then everything else seems trivial. that is why in the end... what hero wants.... is to be normal.... to like everyone else... to be average... to live life not be larger than it....

someone once said "living is not about the moments that you take a breath... but moments that take your breath away..."

possibly, in taking away other people breaths by creating moments... these heroes.. forgot to have moments that take their breaths away....

Making choices

Again i will write about the problem that everyone still face. From the youngest reader reading this, to the oldest reader available. It might get easier to face for the older and seasoned individual but for the young ones, its a matter of trying to get it right. The problem of making a choice.

For as long as i can remember, i have always wanted to have a masters degree and a phd. A doctrate in English literature, has always been a dream of mine. Dr. Hanafee Abdul Rahman. Blood makes me queasy so its only logical that i was going to have an academic phd. Where's the choice?? This is something that no one knows. For the past few months, i have been having doubts whether or not i want to pursue my oldest dream ever. As trivial to most as it would seem, right now i am having doubts of going on with my life-long plan ever since i was 12. I am actually thinking about working after my degree and save up some money to be able to do the things i wanna do. My head tells me:

"Are you nuts!!!!???? Youve wanted this ever since you could talk!!! youve wanted this longer than youve wanted a transformer figurine!!!"

and i wanna listen to it... but my heart is telling me....

"Someones waiting... can you really wait 6 more years? Maybe you can... but can she?? do you want her to wait that long?"

Most of you might be saying "He's throwing his future for a girl...." and some might say "He's being practical..." or "Thats sweet... shes so important to him..."

Why am i writing this down?? because... its been the only thing Ive been thinking about today... 600 years ago shakespeare wrote about the same thing i am writing about today, "To be or not to be...." and if shakespeare couldnt answer it... its only fair i dwell on this matter longer...

My brother once said, "When all else fails... go with your heart..."
Hopefully one day i will look back and dont regret the decision i make...

"I shall be telling this with a sigh...
somewhere ages and ages hence...
two roads diverged in a yellow wood and i....
i took the one less traveled by...
and that has made all the difference..."

:) hope its the kind of different im going to like....

Today is...

Today is the second day of Sacrifice Day (Eid al-Adha). Today is blog entry #11. Today is the day Dad being generous. Today is the day I got green.

Today Seth is happy because Summer is happy. Today is for nothing else but sharing the happiness.

Today is the day to give an honest answer and to avoid awkward conversation. Today is a great day to expose my result – 3.71, dean’s list. Today I hope when semester opens they won’t come up to me and ask about it in the future.

Today is a great day to say thank you for all that I have and have experienced. Today I can thank God, mom, dad and darling Seth. Today I want to thank my lectures and fellow friends.

Today I wish my siblings are going to have the same luck with their results (PMR and IB).

Today is the good start of giving people something to think about. Today is the reminder that there is no right or wrong, only we who make it so.

Tomorrow will be a great day to feel like a stress bunny and to figure out how to find solutions for my untouched part 2 thesis.

Today is day to say. YAY! Hehe

Gaming frenzy

A few days ago my friend/temporary roomate (din) brought back from his house a router... more like a connecting hub to join our four available pc in our rooms into one connection... For one particular reason... Network gaming.. and that is what have been going on in our room... We play all kinds of games from Tiberium Wars (CNC) Frozen Throne (DOTA) Sega Tennis, PES, and every other game that you can think of... Now its fun and all but if you think carefully.... Its actually rather tiring haha....

We wake up and then play games... then we eat... then more games.. then we have our afternoon tea... and more games... then games the entire night... and games until we all fall asleep on our keyboards.... oh yeah sometimes the afternoon tea and lunch and dinner is done while we're gaming... hahha... i love my friends but i have to say.. if i dont start being more productive with my thesis... i might never get it finish hehhe...

I have never really been a gamer... I play the particular few games just to catch up.. but never spend more than 5 hours doing it... since we got the hub.. i feel as if my life revolves around playing games.. its like eating comes second games first... sometimes i like it sometimes i dread the addiction... an addiction you love to hate... hehhe

But sometimes.... i like it.. having to be able to connect with my friends.. talking to them about things i didnt understand before this... but all i know is this... i need to stop the addiction before the next semester starts or I AM DOOMED

Lie and Truth

Have you ever lied? What makes you lie? What kind of lies?
If you asked me those questions, my answers would be: YEAP. Because I don’t want me or so-so to get hurt. Just white lies.

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Hey it rhymes! Whatever.

The fact is: Sometimes, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth freaking hurts. Like Meredith said, “Here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie”

The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to heart. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

The hardest thing you can give someone is the truth. The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really?

Car conversation

Today was different then any other day.. The mamak stall session was not that productive.. we spent most of the time talking about different kinds of food we werent eating that day haha... but the session in the car seemed to be a little weird... Shafiq (a good friend of mine) spoke a little about what he had to do today.. you see shafiq talked about marketing (accumulating a certain amount of money for a program) and he spoke about two things.

Firstly the most basic of marketing strategies known to UKM students. We call it "Street Marketing". If you have ever been in a Malaysian High School, you pretty much know that basic of this strategy. All you do is talk to people on the streets and try hard to have them donate as much money as possible. I remembered it being so much easier when we i was younger. I realized when you were young you had no ego. You would walk up to anyone you saw and ask if they were interested. Getting a lot older now, teenagers particularly, we have this mentality who would like to give and who would not like to give. Plus most people dont like giving money to a bunch of teenagers who look like they're trying to convince you to join a Multilevel Marketing Scheme (sorry lack of better terms). I am not one to gloat, but i found it amazing to do street marketing. I like the interaction i do with people. Making them laugh, trying to convince them with a smile and some jokes. But i liked it and i realized that if people put more effort into smiling and trying to be funny... your more succesfull. Its kinda how you go through life. People like that... the whole witty smiling thing...

I like to think that some people think being cool is the way to go... and sometimes it is... i have a lot of "cool" friends... but i also have those happy go lucky people in life... and i love them... i love the idea of that always laughing and smiling... having only a few bad days... but the people who try to have fun without trying to have toooo much fun are the people i like most... we chat drink have fun... but we dont do drugs, alcohol etc.

Have fun but not too much fun....

More like a smile not a laugh... thats what we talked about.... we talked about how to smile and show youre trying... dont try too hard... but try at least a bit.. smile not laugh... just smile ;)... anyways... i like writing in this new blog... it makes me happy... it makes me smile but not laugh hehehe

Pain and Hope

Doctors are trained to look for disease. Sometimes the problem is easily detected, most of the time they need to go step by step. Mula-mula, searching the surface looking for any sign of trouble. Most of the time, they can't tell what's wrong with somebody by just looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell a whole other story.

Sebagai manusia, kita semua dah cuba yang terbaik. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. If we are lucky, we end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, dan perlukan more than just a quick fix. For some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal.

Masa kecil dulu, my parents pernah kata “Dah, biarkan luka tu kena angin, jangan guna plaster, nanti lambat baik” when I got deep cuts. Well, though we know it’s not exactly the right thing to do because there’s possibility that my luka bole kene jangkit kuman, but they are our parents, they dah makan garam lebih! That’s why they wanted us to rip off the plaster. To let our luke breathe. =)

Doktor ni banyak kasik fakta. But what we, the patient, really want to know is - will the pain go away? Will I feel better? Am I cured? What patients really want to know is - is there hope? Is there hope that all my infections will go away? Will all the medicines you gave to me really work, doctor? But hey, like always, doctors will convince you using their convincing tone that you are going to be ok.

But what if we are not ok? Then, it will bring us back to square one, the feeling of pain again. Also, what if the pain cannot be treated with pain-killers?

Then, you just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals, and pray you are going to be ok. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside.

Right.

You can see me perfectly fine, doctor. But I am still not ok.

Another Choice

What i am about to tell you might sound like i took it out of a typical drama. But in actuality, this actually happened to a friend of mine. So here's the scenario... before i start... i would like to state... i cannot believe im writing this down... but some of the things he said struck a note....

My friend (lets call him Alif) has a girlfriend (call her Alin) and Alin has just gotten an offer to work abroad in Australia.. or New Zealand not sure... but the thing is that they've been dating for 4 years and pretty much have never dated anyone except each other... So Alin decided it was not worth leaving Alif behind. Alif wanted it to be Alin's choice so whatever she chose to he just accepted it. Dont get me wrong, Alif probably is just as successful as Alin but maybe Alin is just lucky. Anyway, Alin's parents heard the story and invited Alif for a lunch outing just the three of them...

At this lunch outing... Alins parents convinced Alif that Alif was holding her back. They said even if Alif did not ask her to stay, he is the reason why Alin stayed and he should let her go pursue a dream and a future. The talk lasted for a few hours in which by the end... Alif was convinced he was holding her back... So Alif tried subtly convincing her to go... she was determined.. she wouldnt go because it would just pull them farther apart... So he did what he thought was necessary. He didnt wanna hold her back... so he said...

"I think we should end our relationship here... maybe its time to think about ourselves..." Alin heard this, questioned him which he answered with stares out the window... and Alin left...

Days that followed after that were filled with short messages on what had happened, did she do something wrong and of course in the end... do you have someone else... Alin is in pain... she was left...

Alif was in bigger pain... he had to leave someone he loved... this is what he said to me...

"I just dont get it... I loved her unconditionally... why is the first thing she asked after our break was not "did somethin happen??" but rather "is there someone else?" doesnt she know that this is killing me?? doesnt she know that the only reason i would leave her... if it meant better things for her??"

....................this is what i said............

In all honesty... you dont get to choose what you think is good for her... thats her choice... only she has the right to choose what she thinks would make her happy... its not her parents... and definitely not you... even if she has a successful future but if shes not happy without you then all the money in the world wont help...

Alin... you should know... how much he loves you... never once feeling like he wanted to even glance at another women... it kills him to let you go and the only reason why he's doing it is because he's doing what he thinks is right for you...

Alif... i understand youre insatiable need to make her life better... but have you ever thought that maybe... her life is only better when she has you around... think about it...

At the end of the day... everyday we make choices.. but we dont make choices for people in our lives... only they are allowed that luxury... we might get hurt or we might like the choices they make... but its still their choices... not ours... tell her the truth... let her pick... then you'll really know what makes you happy....

Scars

Can you see the scars on his face? Nampak macho kan? hehe.

Anyway, I think semua orang ade scar. Be it eyes-can-see scars or invisible scars. Tipu lah kalau takde scar langsung.

People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. It’s like secret roadmaps of their personal histories…diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers. Sometimes, looking at own scars is enough to make one hurts.

Mane satu yang worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did?

Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what I like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

So, do you have scars?

Choosing a future

A few friends of mine invited some of their brothers and sisters to sit along with me and talk about their future. As i sat the 'mamak' stall waiting for them i was nervous about what to tell them. I mean how do you tell a bunch of teenagers how to go through life when you yourself are just 22 years old? My first thought was probably normal 'I am definitely not the guy anyone should be asking these questions to' but my friends insisted on my knack to convince people so i agreed. Which leads me back to the 'mamak' stall.

When they got there, they were a few of them, and they sat down and ordered. One of them said,

"Thanx bro sebab wanting to talk dengan kita orang." i smiled and as usual the 'dont-worry about it' followed.

one said
"Kena pikir betul-betul ni, i don't want to go to a university to do something i'm going to regret my whole life..."

another said
"Dah lah zaman sekarang ni degree dah macam tak guna, dapat degree tak marketable lagi tak guna"

and of course my personal favorite
"Taknak aku belajar tiga tahun then kena apply jadi guru ganti kat sekolah"

These were comments coming from 18 and 19 year olds. Obviously they were matured for their age and that they were intelligent. But as much as i liked the spirit they showed they were still like me when i was their age. So i told them

"Listen guys, remember this, in life what kind of education you get plays a minor role about who you are in the future. What matters most is how you face the life in a university and how that contributes to your growth as a person. You can be a medic student who is guaranteed a high paying job, or you can be an engineer destined for gritty but high paying priced job. But its not gonna mean anything if you're not happy."

I believe that, i believe in learning what you wanna learn. Go to a university and learn things you wanna know about. Not just things that will get you a good job and financial security in the future. I might not have met enough people in my life, but i have met enough to say this, people who choose to learn for the benefit of the money, might have a bigger car, and a bigger house or a much more prettier paycheck. But people who learn what they love, comes home to his wife and children everyday with a smile. Hugs his/her children take them out for a nice dinner, come home and watch a movie and go to sleep a night knowing they did well today.

Im not saying a high-paying job is not good or we shouldnt go after it. But fulfill the most important parts of your lives first. Enjoy that first kiss, or that first date, or that first time you feel "real" butterflies in your stomach (by real im trying to differentiate it with the butterflies in highschool) and enjoy what you do.

Aristotle once said, "find something you like, make it your job and you'll never have to work a day in your life."

So you can find a marketable course you think is right for you, or be lawyer or a doctor, or an engineer. But my advise sounded something like this.

"You cant worry about choosing a future because you're worrying about something you cannot control. So why worry, but you can worry about now, since you can do something about it, asks yourself, what would make you happy now? Would it make you happy to read and read and read and get a law degree? or would working with engines and theories on how to make it better make you happy? You can be anything you want, but you would only want to be something that would make you happy."

So my last words were

"Dont think what the future holds for you, but think about how happy you can be with the future you created based on what you like. Don't think about how happy you are doing a job, but how happy doing a job makes you feel...."

By the end of the day, i had to pay for 12 roti canai's, 4 teh o ais, 3 milo ais, and a few other i cant remember. Ceit.. barely into life and they're already cheap hehe bye people...

Introduction

En el principo means "In The beginning". In what particular language? i have no idea. This post is an introduction, an introduction is a beginning, an opening, a preface, a prologue so to speak. More importantly, a beginning of what?

This blog is dedicated to everything and anything under the blue sky. We'll write about movies, life, music, love, events, situations. This a place for the different. Here different is unique. Typical is not cliched but rather, conformed. A place to speak about bad and good times. A place to let loose and share. A place to believe and hope. A place for guidance and help. A place where everyone is accepted no matter who you are. A place called Alexandria. A home for the brave.

A place to say good morning with a cup of coffee. A place to share a glass of hot cocoa during a rainy day. A place where you can feel like you're apart of something. But most importantly, a place where everyone can make a beginning. This is a place dedicated to blogging, the best way to say what you have in your head. A place to pour your heart out.

Introduction - to introduce, preface, foreword, prologue preamble, overture... so ladies and gentlemen... let us begin this chapters of our lives with YAY!!!! enjoy

i'd rather

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else. I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself. I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart. I'd rather have daddy who holds my heart..

not just a fantasy

He only comes out late at night, just like a vampire in the moonlight. He wrapped up tight in mystery.He’s got her so fogged in... That she can’t even see. Her frens say she’s caught up in fairy tales, beautiful pain and dreams. And she confesses, with him it feels like real. Cos he’s a fantasy, no, he’s not just a fantasy, he’s darling to her. Does she really think she sees him in the moonlight? Really wanna hold him ‘because it feels right. Last night she swore she heard him call her name. Crawled through her window, took her hand and stole her away. Went to the drive-in, speeding like a runaway train.Woke up and smelled his scent in the morning rain. Woke up this morning, couldn’t get him out of her head. Really wanna see him tonight…Really wanna see you, sleep tight.

O God

She hides her pain like the rest of them…That's why she’s always laughing…she’s troubled, she’s brillant and miserable too…That's why she’s so funny…she swallow down all her fears…With a bottle made of silver…she’s only been here for 20 years…But already her life is over…her life is like a fairytale…That nobody believes in…she can't remember anything…Not the people, not that places she has been"…Just one more day you can make it babe"…That's what she tells herself…And everything that she loves in life…It is killing her, coz it's bad for her health…And she needs to unwind…And she wants all the time…To be loved, to unwind~~

tired - yet i cant sleep
wounded - yet i cant weep
sinful - yet i cant pray
o god hear the words i cant say
certain - yet im afraid
leaving - yet ive stayed
faithful - yet untrue
sorrowful - yet not sad
happy - and yet not glad
searching - yet i didnt know the way
o god cant you please teach and lead me day by day?

life is wonderful

It takes a crane to build a crane
it takes 2 floors to make a story
it takes an egg to make a hen
it takes a hen to make an egg
there is no end to what I am saying

it takes a thought to make a word
and it takes some words to make an action
and it takes some works to make it work
it takes some good to make it hurt
it takes some bad for satisfaction

it takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to make u yawn,brother.
And it takes some more to make u young
and it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to hav the other

and it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes u years to know wat love is
and it takes ur fears to makes u trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished

it takes some silence to make sound
it takes a lost before u found it
it takes a road to go nowhere
it takes a toll to make u care
it takes a whole to make a mountain

ha la la la la la life is wonderful
ha la la la la la life grows for circle
ha la la la la la life is wonderful
ha la la la la la life is meaningful…

e-Lovers

We have talked on the computers for what it seems like years
Although we’ve never met, our friendship is true
Talking to you seems like the natural thing to do
I hope and pray that before my life ends
I shall meet face to face with you
To share some warm memories, laughs, hugs and tears
And maybe
If God allows it
A few more wonderful years

The end.


Thank God, they finally met each other =P I “Awesome” you. Well, I am reminiscing the old memories here. Hehe.

Secret to happiness

I know the secret to happiness. I've always known it but I don't always remember it. Stupid.

When I remember it, I follow it. And that's when I am trully happy. Do you want to know what it is? It's not that difficult to figure out. Maybe hard to follow, but not hard to figure out.

My life is like a carousel. Going round and round at the same place. Many honour me with their presence but they leave when they had their fun. Still I go round and round, still looking. Sometimes I find someone who says that they want to stay. But after awhile, they leave. Or they pretend to want to stay, but you know the carnival music and sinister statues scare them off. And you are all alone again, trying hard to keep going, trying hard to keep the lights twinkling.

The secret to happiness is to not care. I cared so much and that is why I am unhappy. Maybe to not care sounds a bit too harsh. Let's say, the secret to happiness is to have no expectations. From anyone or anything. Then you will truly be happy.

This is a tried and tested method. For awhile, after being broken for so many times, I stopped caring. My music and lights went on but only for myself. For what I want to achieve. For what I want to be.

After a while, I got distracted by a few with promises. I forget to remember the secret. Then I started turning for them. Twinkling for them. Playing music for them. And not for myself. Again. And again I was broken. And was unhappy.

Stupid.

I said before that the best way to live is with a wall around your heart. And with no expectations. Let is go. Let it flow. Then you will be happy. Stop hoping. And only help yourself. Because that's what everyone else is doing. Helping only themselves.

Everytime I get my wall up, someone comes and smashes it down. I don't know why I let it happen. Maybe the wall wasn't strong enough because I love being "in love". Or as someone says, the idea of being in love. Or maybe I help them smash it down. Because there is no bigger fool than I when it comes to "being in love".

Stupid.

This is the third time I say this. That the wall is coming back up. And hopefully it stays. If I were to find again, I want them to climb the wall. To scale it. Hurt themselves doing it. And prove to me how far they will go. Then maybe I will try and meet them halfway. Maybe not. And to remember the secret of happiness, to have no expectations. To laugh at them while the try to climb. To expect nothing, no, the worst when they can't even get halfway.

Along the way, tonnes of people will try to blame you. Many more will try to pacify you.

It's gonna be all about me. Again.

Afterall, I said it before. The secret to happiness is to not care.

I know that once I start caring, this whole thing will probably slide down the monsoon drain and be lost forever. And once again I will be broken.

So tell me. Why should I start caring about you? Do whateva you wanna do.

Realist and idealist

To love more than once, at about the same time, is a sign of uncertainty.Only those who want to be loved as much as they love would understand the numbing pain that comes along amidst the confusion. Because of the naivety of Trust.

People seem to be attracted to that which fulfil their needs. They may fall for more than one person at almost the same time, but never the same amount of feelings. To keep one another in the dark only heightens the thrill of the forbidden fruit, thus prolonging the unpleasant confrontation with reality — Choice.

After the procrastination, guilt creeps up with a heavy tug in the heart. The difficulty of the evaluation will depend on the emotional investments made in the parties involved. Therein lies the difference between the realist and the idealist.

The realist will take a reality check. Worldly obligations and whatnot.

The idealist will follow through their dreams. The true matters of the heart.

Not all relationships are founded upon pure chemistry, especially from brilliant compatibility.
Many are founded upon gratitude.

The realist will eventually…let go. Go with the flow of the dominant current they’re in. Society binds them in. They awake to ringing wake-up calls idealists prefer to shut out. They awake from their dreams. They feel the need to heed to Time’s command.

The idealist will find it hard to let go. Because they want to fight against the current. Take a risk. Carpe diem/noctum. They see what they can gain is more than worth the loss. The calculated risk is merely…their happiness.

Between two lovers, the realist will go with the safest bet.

Between two lovers, the idealist will go to the one closest to their hearts.

Realists dread regrets, when the stakes are high.

Idealists dread regrets, when they might not live up to themselves.

Being the other women

Being the other woman.

Is when you learn that love is not everything, even if he wants to love and be loved even more than you do.
Drugs can win all.

-

Being the other woman.

Is when you learn how much the man you’ve grown to love, loves the other woman more. In the end. She was what he need. You are what he wants. Their past is what he’ll keep. And his disappearance is what makes you weep.

-

Being the other woman.

Is when you learn that you both could have been meant to be.
Because he knows that you would know why he had to leave you.
Silently.

-

Being the other woman.

Is when you learn to hate Time.
It’s all about the timing, in the end.

~

You left me alone.

Plan B

It’s no secret that people use other people. People just don’t always say it out loud.
I don’t think it’s usual to announce that you’re using someone to get over another person anyway.
I have used people to find out what I want.
The only harm done was that I belonged to no one in the end.
They gave me their hearts, which was not part of the plan.

And I’ve always forgot to make Plan B.

Sharing

“ade bende yg kite tak payah kongsi ngan org lain”

Jiji voiced out to break the silence as we sat on the floor at block X waiting for the next class. It’s true. Her statement.

Sometimes, sharing equal to hurting. Therefore, it is best not to share/ express/ show. Silent is easy. Starsailor said.

I guess now I understand. When daddy doesn’t wanna tell me something, meaning he doesn’t wanna hurt me. I love you. Thank you.

In addition, sometimes too, when people tell you something, it can mean many things:
He/she loves you, wanna share with you, do not want you to be the last to know, do not want to hide things from you, or want you to understand him/her.

The things that you know may hurt. That’s normal. Truth hurts. Truth bites. Deal with it. Can’t fix it? So stand it. Smile. Cry. It’s ok to cry, you can always smile later or vice versa.

sleep tight

He only comes out late at night, just like a vampire in the moonlight. He wrapped up tight in mystery. He’s got her so fogged in... That she can’t even see. Her frens say she’s caught up in fairy tales, beautiful pain and dreams. And she confesses, with him it feels like real. Cos he’s a fantasy, no, he’s not just a fantasy, he’s darling to her. Does she really think she sees him in the moonlight? Really wanna hold him ‘because it feels right. Last night she swore she heard him call her name. Crawled through her window, took her hand and stole her away. Went to the drive-in, speeding like a runaway train. Woke up and smelled his scent in the morning rain. Woke up this morning, couldn’t get him out of her head. Really wanna see him tonight…Really wanna see you, sleep tight.

p/s: entry lama. =) hehe.

143

I am not sure what I want to write here. Whether bout the things that had happened for the past three days or heart matters. I read something this morning, it sounds sad. I was touched. I wasn’t hurt.

For my awesome, I loved you and I love you still. Remember the story that I told you? About a boy who played with a girl, while the other girl just watched from afar. She stayed. And so did I. I’ll be staying till you finish mending my broken heart. =) No. Kidding. I’ll be staying, right here, right there, never leave. Hmm? I love you.

Da~!!!

Let me

Did I mention before that this is the place where I complain and yell out loud? Of course, you cannot hear me.

I know my responsibilities, when and how I conduct them. I work at my own pace. Be it fast or slow. I need my own time. I am well aware of deadlines. I control my time management. It is kind of you to remind me. I appreciate that. Oh, do not talk about time with me when you are not even punctual yourself. Look, who’s talking shit? If you think there is no progress, I would like to suggest you something. Wouldn’t it be nice if you take my responsibilities? Perhaps you love my glamorous post. What is it? International affair? Ambassador? I have never dreamt to get this post in my life okay. What makes you think I enjoy it?

Let me be irresponsible for once. Let me not taking everything seriously. Let me. *sighs*

Everything I did had its reason. Same goes to the thing I didn’t do. The message is there. Did or not. Do not say something that you do not know. It is okay to assume something. But please oh please stay optimistic. You do not know what has been happening at my home, in my shoes. I will not even care what you are going to say. I’ll take it. It may hurt but I can always grin later.

Hehe. Now that I have cooled down. The above paragraphs were written when I was in a mess. Do not take it seriously but if you insist to, I will not stop you. Oh and i forget, perhaps you do not even know the existence of this site. Herh. *smiles*

-Life at home. No color-
 

reasonable

A certain man said to the priest Shunkagu, “The Lotus Sutra Sect’s character is not good because it’s so fearsome.” Shunkagu replied “It is by reason of its fearsome character that it is the Lotus Sutra Sect. if its character were not so, it would be a different sect altogether.” This is reasonable.

terus....

Some people said "The Sabrina character is not good because she's so fearsome, annoying, childish yet dominant." Then someone replied "It is by reason of those characters that she is the Sabrina. if her character were not so, she would be a different person altogether." haha. this is so reasonable. i like!!

weekends with "awesome"

Have u ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right? Hmm…I am staring at notebook’s screen. I have so much to say but somehow I don’t know where to start. Last weekdays were tough for me. I was so happy to be able to unwind and spend my weekends with you like I wished for so long.

I don’t think I’m going to write the details of the weekends here as it would only attract curiosity and suspicious towards us. Herh. It was great start of my holidays. Thanks for spending your days and nights with me despite of you not having enough sleep. Thanks for the nice dinners, movies, secret recipe, Baskin n robin and also your kak nurul. She’s beautiful.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stop the tears. I’m sorry I treated you bad, minutes before you walked me away. I was so sad you couldn’t be with me till the last moment. It was hard letting you go too and even harder when u turned and walked back to me.

I know what kind of a jerk you can be and the feeling of your swords stabbing into my chest. And I hate it if I had to wait and pushed away again in the name of the responsibility. Coz honestly, I don think I can wait anymore and being hurt over and over again. I am so scared you might be the Mr. Nice Guy to them and I’m terrified I’m going to lose you again. And I don’t want to hear you telling me to find someone else anymore.

I “awesome” you so much and I need you. I don’t want another “awful” with me years from now. I want my “awesome”.

P/s: sorry it’s not a long entry like yours. I don’t know how to express my happiness. I just hope u know and understand how much I appreciate the moments we were together. *smiles*

dedicate

imagine finding out that your heart is bigger than you ever thought,
imagine your affections are far deeper than you ever felt,
imagine you caring more than you ever thought possible

now imagine being on the receiving end...

words cannot even begin to describe it,
nor even come close to giving the feeling any justice

it is a gift,
and goodness me what a gift it is

to daddy/d'angel/diabolic_angel/secret-keeper/glow-giver,
for simply being the person that you are,
for giving me more than i could ever hope for,
and even more than you can ever imagine

i don't know.

When u read this, it sounds familiar. Indeed. This is exactly the same entry that I once posted months ago. And I post the words again here with some changes. It’s what I am feeling right now.

It seems that everything I do or think about now just stays in my head these days. In complex, wordless form. I begin to feel difficult to talk to people and even you. I think I’ve lost something. And I don’t know what it is. Passion? Me?. I Lost much. Daily activities have increased these days. The tests are just around the corner. I wish I am an irresponsible person. So I don’t have to care about courses and programs that I am not interested in. irresponsible so I can skip classes and fly to you. I’m trying to keep everything in balance. I'm rotting inside out.

I want to go home.

Nothing seems right for long. I could be thinking about a bright and happy future, and the next second, blur.
My heart doesn't pump like normal anymore. It's pumping something. Something unexplainable. Hate? Worry? It keeps me up at night. It makes me sick in the mornings. It makes me laugh and the next second, it makes me silent while I hear your voice when the tears keep on flowing down my cheeks. I feel lotsa emotions. And the next second again, I could feel nothing.

The only good thing about it is that my injured heart feels numb. I know it is only you reading this blog. I know some of them may be about you. But this is it, I’m laying them out. I need you here. So I can feel safe.

Again, the air is thick with lies. I live in a big lie. I seek the way of truth, and followed it. But now I’m very much lost. I'm in need of help in ways no one can. I have lost the truth, and found much lies. The stories go around, and each passing, a sentence is added. The air is thick with lies. Lies so thick I’m choking.

I want to go home.
I want to see you.

At five

This morning, at 4am, his handphone chirped and woke me from my senseless dream -_-

I don't remember the exact moment of waking up and grabbing the phone from his side and looking at it... much less looking at a miss call from an unknown number and reading an sms from a lonely chick who was unfortunate enough to to be awake at 4am on a weeknight.

The sms was a simple straighforward, albeit a little gedik sounding. I don't remember reading that sms or even trying to understand what it was trying to say, but I woke up safe and cosy in his arm a couple of hours later remembering that sms.

Now, I am not in the habit of checking my partner's phone/sms/email/etc anymore. I mean, what is the point? It shows lack of trust and also creates reasons to start fights. You know what I mean... "Who is this? Who is she? Why is she calling. You never told me about her. Since when u two starts emailing?" etc... And it doesn't work. Trust me. If they wanna cheat on you, they will do it any way they could. Besides, they will respect you more if you show enough respect and trust towards them. (Unless of course, if he is a complete pathetic asshole who is just never satisfied with whatever you do/sacrifice for them).

While i can sleep soundly in his arms, blessed with such good fortune to be able to win his heart and receive his warm kisses and hugs, looking into his eyes before I fall into deep sleep and waking up with his arms around me and kisses to start the day...

And that poor girl... she won't experience this with him as long as he is with me, and I thought of her, sitting up in bed, awake at 5am, thinking of him, and resorting to sending out smses and trying to call him and then being ignored... I just feel pity for her. (Unless of course, she becomes a real threat to me.)

Pity.

Damn. I have changed.

*p/s : a mix of whats real and whats not.

friendship + forever

I used to have or maybe still have problems with putting thoughts to words (no wonder I don like essay writing) and started writing to fix that. It worked. Hehe.

So wats up with this “ friendship forever” thing? When I was a kid..in primary school days to be exact, I had this one group of friends (all girls). We shared stories and gossips…and did things together. And even liked or admired the same boy! Every time we wrote “BIODATA SAYA” or “ WHO’S THIS GIRL?” (u know la kan..kids dulu dulu suke ade buku simpan profiles kengkawan hehe ), it always ended up with “friends forever”. Well, it’s the past. history. Good old days… and sweet old memories that I’ll always cherish and am proud I was a part of that Sekolah Rendah Taman Rinting 1. *smiles*

I am 21. I’ve made lotsa friends along the journey. Close friends. Gitu-gitu friends. Normal friends. Best friends. Old friends. Special friends. Come to think of it. Can friends be categorized into groups? Let’s fikirkan bersama. Hehe. Right. Tak baik diskriminasi ni… but percaya atau tidak… jika saya katakan…that we tend to classify things into certain groups whether it’s intentionally or unintentionally.

Now. 2007. where the hell is my group of friends from primary school? Where is the “member ber5” from SAMURA? Where are all those people who used to say and write “friends forever”? Where are they? Why don’t they keep in touch with me anymore? Lets not point out to them la kan, instead, the question should be.. why don’t I keep in touch with them anymore? *Thinking*

Forever. there’s no such thing as forever unless we are in heaven or hell. Come on la, nowadays forever can mean a year, two weeks time, a month, or even miliseconds. If those friends do not call or sms u anymore although u have tried to reach them for so many times then Move on. Our lives need to keep going. Or maybe someone is being so emotional about this whole friendship thing. Hehe.

I came across this sentence. People changed. It’s just that, we forgot to tell each other. Ha.. that’s it. I just forgot to tell u that I’ve changed and vise versa. Time changed and so do you and me. and I am not disappearing, as some people put it. I am juz giving wat I have to offer. And those r love and friendship from here.

i complain here. period.

I swear this is not the first time I am complaining about this but what the fcuk la kan.

Newsflash: I am skinny.

And so what la kan? So what if I am so mhoterfcukin skinny that I look like I can break when people hug me? So what that I am so bloody skinny that it looks like I can't even lift my legs? Or my arms, or my head for that matter?

It's me who is skinny. Not YOU. It is MY body not yours. Besides, what right do these people have to keep commenting about my body?

Because you know what? It is just not fair.

Would you ever go up to somebody fat and say "Wah, why so fat one?" or "Hey why are you getting fatter and fatter?" or "My gawd, you are so big! What the hell are you eating?!"

No, you wouldn't. Why? Duh. It's rude. And it will hurt him or her. Most probably he or she can't help it that her body is so big.

Here's news for you morons: Neither can I.

And then there are those morons who keep saying that I am fortunate enough that I was born to be freakishly skinny instead of doughy fat because to them:

1. I won't have diseases.
2. I can shop for clothes easily
3. I won't have to watch what I eat

Here's what I say: Fcuk you.

First of all, how dare you diss the fat people? I happen to LIKE fat people because they are usually so damn cool and warm. And they don't have any of that bloody sombong attitude that other people might have.

Secondly, who the hell are you to make comparisons and state who is better (fat or thin) as tho you are some goddamn professor who has a doctorate studying fat and/or thin human beings. YOU, are just YOU. Another regular human being who is just so damn insecure about yourself that you need to shift your focus off your lame life onto other people, in your case, thin and fat people.

Like how there are others who tries to complete their pathetic lives by preaching about religion. But I spose in your case, it is looks. Hey you know what? I may be thin, and they might be fat but we can try to eat/diet but you are just so damn ugly I don't think Extreme Makeover would call you in anytime soon to make your pathetic dream a reality. Ok honey?

Thirdly, how do you know all of the above? How do you know that I don't have any sickness from being so skinny? And that it is "easy for me to shop" and that I don't have to watch what I eat?

No you don't know. You are, what we call, making assumptions.

I am so sick of getting people that I sort of know, whom I see once in a while, exclaiming "Wah! Why so skinny one!" every-fcuking-time they see me.

I used to defend myself, you know. It's in my family genes la! which may explain why its so hard for me to put on weight. That even though I eat four times a day I can't gain weight.

One incident had this little bitch asking me what I eat everyday. Wow. She might as well capture me and put me in a glass cage and study my behaviour day-to-day patterns in life and what I eat to finally be able to make the conclusion on why i am just so bloody skinny. I mean, who the is she to ask me that!?

When I told her that I do eat a lot, she gave me this look. Damn. She gave me this shock and surprised look and went "NoooOOoOOooooo waayyyyy". That was when I got so pissed I walked off with her running after me.

I don't think it is ok for anyone to make remarks about anybody's fucking weight and giving us looks like we are freaks of nature and as tho we are doing it on purpose.

Don't you think that I want to be bigger? I want to put on at least 6kg so that I can fill my 155cm better. But I just cannot. No matter how much I eat. I just can't. And don't you fcuking dare ask me why.

So you know what I do now? Everytime someone says "Aiya! So skinny la!" I answer them back: "Yeah, I am anorexic. Didn't you know?"

That shut them up completely.

Yay me. I rule. Hah.